Stuff Dude Moms Say.
DudeMom says: No, it's fine to say penis. You just can't shout, PENIS.
Especially not when we're at Panera. During the dinner rush. While we dine with your grandparents.
DudeMom says: It's not a mask. It's a cup.
NOOOOO, not for drinking. For, like, protecting your junk.
DudeMom says: Never get up from the couch and walk outside to pee again.
You're not a puppy, you're a person. Or, you're almost a person. Ugh, one day I hope you will act more like a person and less like a puppy. There. I said it.
DudeMom says: I swear on Santa that if you finger gun anyone at church, we will have issues.
And, by finger gun, I also mean stick gun, pen gun, rolled-up-paper-program gun, and Bible gun? How did you make a gun out of the Bible? Why would you make a gun out of the Bible?!
DudeMom says: Everything is not meant to be jumped from.
Or on. Or over. Or through. Or FROM.
DudeMom says: No, I don't know who made up underwear, but I think you're wrong about them doing it to torture people.
They did it so that when you go to gymnastics all of the kids in your class don't have to look at your junk dangling out of your shorts. It's only funny to you. SO PUT THE UNDERWEAR ON, OR WE'RE NOT GOING.
DudeMom says: I think a fart war is a remarkably bad idea, actually.
I don't even know what a fart war is. I don't need you to show me. In fact, I forbid you from showing me.
DudeMom says: If it involves blowing something up, I am probably going to say no.
I know you saw it on YouTube so you “know it will work.” And sure, I appreciate that it's science, but I'm not digging a hole in the backyard, because you don't need to try it on a “larger scale.” I admire your ingenuity, but I also enjoy my grass. Also, what are you watching on YouTube? Showmerightnow.
DudeMom says: Use the stairs. PROPERLY.
Don't slide down the banister. Don't climb over the banister. Don't jump from the top. Don't slide down feet first. Don't slide down face first. Don't let your brother drag you down. Walk. Down. The. Stairs.
DudeMom says: I know you love me more than every single superhero on the planet.
Same here, Dude.
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