Lies I Tell My Children

lies
Image via DudeMom

Generally, I am an honest person.

I'm not blunt. I'm not forward. I'm not hurtful or mean. But I am honest.

You know, generally.

There are certain situations wherein lying just feels right. More than half of those involve my kids.

These are the lies I tell my children.

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Image via DudeMom

Santa is real, and he is active on email and social media.

He also enjoys texting and corresponds periodically with your teacher, so watch your back.

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Image via DudeMom

No, my blog is not about you.

It's about me and how I take care of you. Not the same thing at all.

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Image via DudeMom

Cookies for breakfast? Nope, I would never.

Except for when I do, which is whenever you guys polish off all of the good cereal. Or on Tuesdays because that's gym day, and we all know they don't count then.

{ MORE: Moms, Here's a Reminder that It's the Little Things That Matter the Most }

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Image via Flickr/ Andrea

The tooth fairy didn't forget so much as she got busy and couldn't hit the ATM machine. And then when she did, believe it or not, it was totally out of cash.

So she gave you an IOU, and she's gonna forward me the cash, and I will get that to you tomorrow after schoolish.

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Image via Flickr/ Oliver Bacquet

There are cameras everywhere.

They are a direct feed to the North Pole, the police station, and my cell phone.

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Image via DudeMom

Sorry, it's live TV. We can't rewind it.

Because if I have to watch this show again, I'm going to lose my brain.

{ MORE: Moms Make Horrible First Impressions }

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Image via DudeMom

If you don't brush before bed, you will have pirate teeth.

Black and gunky. The dentist won't even be able to help you! It's almost true, so whatever.

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Image via DudeMom

The speed limit is more of a guideline than a requirement.

I'm not a bad driver, and I don't break the law really, but I am not going to stick to 55 mph on the freeway when everyone is blowing by me.

I'm a flow-of-traffic driver, and having my kids screaming “SLOW DOWN! YOU'RE GOING 37 IN A 35 ZONE!” is not helpful.

That is all.

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Image via DudeMom

Someone pooped in the pool.

Because we've been every day this week. And seriously, my skin is fried, and I just want to sit on my couch and not wear a bra.

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Image via Flickr/ Kasia

I have a headache.

They respect my migraine suffering, which I appreciate and only abuse when I need to. So when I need them to simmer down, I get one.

Understanding “I have a headache” is a life skill sure to come in handy in the future anyway.

{ MORE: This Too Shall Pass … Is a Damn Lie }

What lies do you tell your kids?

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Lies I Tell My Children

Amanda has been wowing the Internet since 2008 when she launched her pretty-much-useless guide for parents, parenting BY dummies. As it turns out, her parenting advice is not generally useful for more than a good laugh, but sometimes that’s exactly what you need! Amanda spends her offline time (which is embarrassingly limited) running a photography business, working as a social media director for a local magazine, writing freelance articles about stuff she loves, wrangling her 3 little Dudes ... More

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