How Can My Partner and I Overcome a Miscarriage?

An upset woman being comforted by her husband who is embracing herWhen a couple has been waiting and pleading for a child, the joy that accompanies a little, pink, plus sign is something special. It warms your soul and fills you with a feeling of contentment, even if it’s accompanied by morning sickness and moodiness. But when the life growing inside you is ended prematurely, there can be an emptiness as exquisite and strong as was your original joy. American Pregnancy Association studies show that 10 to 25 percent of clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage, which makes it the most common type of pregnancy loss.

Just because a miscarriage is quite common, it does not diminish the fact it can be devastating. Other’s that have not experienced a miscarriage themselves, or even your partner, may not completely understand the feelings you experience, or know what to say or do to help. Many people who have experienced this loss ask the same question, “How can my partner and I overcome a miscarriage and try to have another child?” Although the situation and feelings are not the same for everyone, the following four things may help in mending hearts, so you can continue to grow your family.

  1. It’s Okay to Grieve.
    First, it is normal to grieve. It’s important to recognize that everyone grieves differently, and in their own time. Respect your partner’s grieving process. Be a support, rather than a drain. The five stages of grief and loss include:
    • Denial
    • Anger
    • Bargaining
    • Depression
    • Acceptance

    It is normal for everyone to experience each of these stages; however, they do not always happen in a specific order, and there is not a prescribed amount of time for each stage. The ultimate goal is to come to some acceptance regarding the miscarriage. Acceptance does not mean that it will never hurt again; it simply means you can face it and move forward. It can be helpful to find a professional counselor to help you and your partner move through the grief process and manage sorrow and pain.

  2. Have Perspective and Recognize Distorted, Negative Thoughts.
    As people grieve, they often have distorted thinking, not based in reality. They seek someone to blame, or endlessly search for the reason this happened to them. They become angry at their partner, or make deals with God, or themselves. They generalize the miscarriage and think that because they miscarried, they will never have a family. It can be very difficult, but very helpful, to count your blessings at these times. Seek to see your and your partner’s life as a whole, rather than thinking only about your loss.
  3. Communicate.
    Because things don’t happen the same way for everyone, it’s important to talk to your partner about how you are feeling, what you want and need, and why. It can be hard to not become easily offended or defensive; but times of trial and conflict can be times of growth for our closest relationships, if we communicate and seek to understand each other’s point of view.
    An old technique, often taught in relational communication, is to use “I messages.” I messages are often misunderstood, though. The purpose of I messages is for the person to take responsibility and ownership for their own feelings, without blaming others or manipulating them into doing what we want them to do.
  4. When You and Your Partner are Ready, Stop “Trying.”
    “Trying” to have a baby can be stressful and place unrealistic expectations on things outside of your or your partner’s control. After you and your partner have grieved and are comfortable with moving forward with continuing your family, just enjoy each other. If it happens, it happens. Let this be a time for your relationship to blossom and grow.

Family planning is not a perfect science, and neither are human relationships. Life throws us a lot of curve balls and loss – of many kinds – and can make us feel like we have struck out. But, life is not a ball game; it’s life! Each experience adds value and strength – to us and our relationships – if we take the time, care for ourselves, and care for those we love.

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How Can My Partner and I Overcome a Miscarriage?

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19 comments

  1. Veronica says:

    So what do you do when the miscarriage was the result of an unplanned pregnancy and your husband refuses to have anther baby right now? Doesn’t seem fair that I should have to go back on birth control to prevent something I want so badly. I can’t even stand talking to him because I just want to punch him in his face every time we try to talk. After my miscarriage he said if I wanted to try we could but then he said in the summer and now he’s saying MAYBE in a year. He has no idea how badly he has smashed my heart. I know this probably seems silly to most people because I have two little boys but I always knew I wanted more and having the miscarriage really makes me miss being pregnant.

    • Megan Klay says:

      Hi Veronica – Your husband may be hurting after the loss too and the thought of trying again might be scary for him. Try your best to communicate in a calm, loving manner and assume he’s coming from a good place when you approach the subject again. Listen to his feelings and thoughts without injecting your own and once he’s done sharing share your own feelings about it and try to reach a compromise. Also, be sure to give yourself some time to heal both physically and emotionally after a miscarriage before jumping into another pregnancy. My husband and I began trying right away but we didn’t get pregnant until six months after our loss and I’m honestly grateful I had that time to heal and be close with my husband. Here’s another post you may find helpful: http://www.everydayfamily.com/when-you-want-a-baby-and-your-partner-doesnt/. Best wishes!

  2. susan says:

    Suffering a loss can impact everyone in the same family differently. It’s great to have a strong support system from the beginning.

  3. Angie says:

    Its had to go through this 🙁 specially when it was my first pregnancy 🙁 I was so depress, I couldnt accepted at first, because the doctor said everything was okay with me. I TOLD HER IF THAT WAS THE CASE, RIGHT KNOW I WOULD IT HAVE MY BABY SAFELY. I just had a misscarage on mid April I was 2 month and it was hard, but I kept my emotions inside me, only my husband, parents and some couple of my church members knew, but not my 8 siblings nor anybody else, till this day… I dnt think about it as much as the time,,, but is something you will never forget… My husband and I were so exited, and in 2 month our heart was crushed with this terrible news… sadly…. but my strength came from the Lord. ? Im still trying to concieve, but not in a hurry manner, but slowly taking day by day as if it will come one of this day 🙂 … Im truly sorry for all that had been in the same situation with a miscarriage even if its ur 1st or 5th, a miscarage its hard, but I can tell, u can go through with it, if you open up your self to talk with someone, or if you ask God for support and strength. ?. If I mqde it you cant too 🙂 If you are trying to concieve,,, dont u ever loose HOPE AND FAITH 🙂

  4. Holly says:

    This fertility testing was BEFORE I found out I was pregnant.

  5. Holly says:

    I just suffered a miscarriage 3 days ago. I was 9 weeks. We had been not trying, but not preventing either. My hormone levels never doubled, just slightly rose. At 8 weeks they were just under 4000. I feel like I will never be able to have a healthy pregnancy. The doctor did some fertility testing and told me I hadn’t even ovulated- but evidently I did because that was the month I got pregnant. She told me I had very little progesterone. Needless to say, they put me on it but my baby still died. I’m so depressed.

  6. This happened to my family member and it is very important to talk to each other or else the grief just consumes you.

  7. Andy says:

    Thank you for sharing all of the heartfelt comments here. My heart and prayers go out to all of you that have had to go through this experience. Your willingness to share your experience and hope can bring so much help and hope to others.

  8. very useful and informative, and wouldn’t want this to happen to anyone. but if you are all i have to say is “stay strong, keep your faith, and keep your head up”

  9. GianKanko says:

    Yes, I think that both husband and wife can overcome a miscarriage. It is something that will never be erase from heart and mind of the parents. But it is no ones fault nor should there be guilt in ones heart or blame each other. It is something God or mother nature was unable to be meant to be.
    Last May 2012, I had a miscarriage i felt terrible and blame myself, my husband, for such traumatic event in my life i was scared not being able to have more children. I was also afraid to get pregnant all over again and then loose my child, and see blood in my pants i dream about it. Had nightmares! But then my husband help me to not get depress he talk to me seriously that i should be strong and get well to try again getting prego. So i did that, i take care myself and i got pregnant again! At first i was scared to loose my pregnancy but then i have more caution, we did not had sex, no heavy lifting etc etc., I just had my second child this past June 10 2013. His name is Giancarlo and we are so blessed to have him, he was 9 lbs 2 oz. Thank You God! Yes, u can overcome miscarriage!

  10. Andrea says:

    I am going through a miscarriage as I am writing this….My hormone lvls went from 5,400 to 5,200 in 24hrs….and the baby stopped growing 11 days ago….this article is want i needed today…I was at the E.R. and they told me to prepare for the extreme bleeding and cramping….well it is here tonight and it is so bad they put me on Vicodin…..Thank u for this article….

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  12. Aimee says:

    I really wish I would have had this information when my husband and I were dealing with miscarriage a while ago.

  13. websbolt says:

    I lost my first child at 8 weeks and it was hard because I had just announced that I was expecting… then I had to make sure to let everyone know that I lost the baby the next day. It was so hard for a while when someone didn’t know I had lost the baby and would ask about me being pregnant. Now I have a beautiful baby boy who is a week old today. 🙂

  14. chandra says:

    I had a friend lose her son at 34 weeks. It was very hard to see her go through that. It made me fear for my child because I was 36 weeks with my newborn son whom was due october 19. Just the thought of losing something you carried and wanted to hold something that is a part of you is scary.

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