He Said He’s Done Trying, But I Still Want to Get Pregnant. Now What?

woman worries, husband sleepsThe Urban Dictionary defines “baby fever” as, “When a girl starts feeling a strong desire to have a baby, possibly to the point of obsession.” When baby fever hits, it can seem like the rest of the world stands still, and there is little a woman wouldn’t do to have a baby. When traditional methods fail to result in a cute little bundle of joy, couples often search to the ends of the earth to find alternative methods to conceive a baby of their own.

The New International Standard Medical & Health Encyclopedia shares an extensive list of alternative methods that include drug treatments, artificial insemination, in vitro fertilization, gamete intrafallopian transfer, zygote intrafallopian transfer, intracytoplasmic sperm injection, or even surrogacy. All of these methods can be time-consuming and expensive, and none offer a guarantee of conception. When couples start down this road, they may have high hopes that, over time, can be let down. The light at the end of the tunnel can grow dim, especially for husbands when they don’t feel the same “baby fever” their wives feel. So what happens when he finally says, “Enough is enough! This isn’t working. Let’s give it a rest.”?

When couples are not on the same page with their desire to have children, women may ask, “Why would he want to quit now after we’ve invested so much?” Some even think, “Should I continue without him knowing?” This isn’t an insignificant relational conflict, like how you squeeze the toothpaste tube. It is a major life decision and defining issue for couples. It may be important for prospective mothers to understand common reasons he may be done trying.

  1. Money: Alternative methods are expensive, and surveys show that men’s top worry is about money and finances.
  2. Time: Alternate methods of conception take time, and after many methods have failed, men may feel that that time has been wasted.
  3. Stress and Disappointment: The constant “trying” to get pregnant can be very stressful, and when it has not worked, the increased disappointment can cause extreme feelings of stress and inadequacy in men.
  4. Feeling Secondary: Believe it or not, a man does not want to feel like he is just a “baby maker.” Men who are in committed relationships, the kind that “try” to have children, want to feel like they are loved and appreciated, and like they come first in the relationship.

Whether these reasons are warranted or not, they may be part of why your partner is “done.” The following things can help to make the best of this hard time in your relationship, and possibly get you closer to having the child you long for.

Communicate and problem-solve: Listen to each other. Try to understand before being understood. Understand each other’s “why”: Why you want to keep trying, and why he doesn’t. Identify things that are within and outside your control, and how you and your partner’s “whys” can be met. Be realistic and willing to make compromises.

ADVERTISEMENT

Put your marriage before your pregnancy: No man wants to feel he is playing second fiddle to a child, before or after the child is born. Committed relationships are about shared decisions and shared happiness. Just as it would be unwise for him to make important decisions without your approval, it is inappropriate for you to continue to “try” to get pregnant without his approval.

Stop “trying”: As we’ve discussed above, “trying” to get pregnant can be stressful and discouraging, but simply stopping trying not to get pregnant can be fun and strengthening to your relationship. I’ve seen many situations where couples have “tried” everything, and were even in the process of adopting a child, when they have become pregnant simply by stopping their efforts to “try not to get pregnant.”

This is not an easy situation to be in, and there are no perfect, easy answers, but there are things that can strengthen your relationship and decrease the stress of the “she wants to, he doesn’t” conflict. Remember that when he says, “I’m done,” or “I’m not ready,” that doesn’t mean “never”. Your dreams for a family are not over, but it is important not to destroy the family you do have in your desire to add a child to your family.

What do you think?

He Said He’s Done Trying, But I Still Want to Get Pregnant. Now What?

Tell us what you think!

10 comments

  1. Chelsea says:

    I would just say wait a little bit! Then see what happens!

  2. Eva says:

    I am very fertile and if I ever met a woman that was depressed because she could not get pregnant due to infertility I would donate my eggs to her!

  3. mommy nhoj says:

    When we were newly married, the pressure was on my side. We both want to have a baby soon but I wanted it so badly. For 2 consecutive months that I got my period, I cried. And my husband told me to cheer up because it makes him feel “deficient” as well. It made him feel that something’s wrong with him. Then come August, he told me not to tell him if ever I got my period. But I guess, he was as excited as I was and he practically monitor the days that I am delayed! And yes, we’re pregnant that month! I won’t ever put the burden again on him. It’s a two-man team 🙂

  4. Melissa says:

    I just take a couple of days between making love.

  5. angelica says:

    take a break and try again later thats what i had to do

  6. tangled says:

    Great insight here!

  7. Leslie says:

    we gave up trying and had a baby girl. she is almost 3 now.

  8. I am really glad that both my husband and I wanted to try.

  9. Barbara says:

    Interesting misuse of the word sporadically…

  10. Aimee says:

    Great insight here!

Advertisement
[x]
×

EverydayFamily.com Week-by-Week Newsletter

Receive weekly updates on your pregnancy or new baby’s development as well as Free Stuff, Special Offers, Product Samples, Coupons, Checklists and Tools you can use today, and more from EverydayFamily! Plus all new members are entered to win FREE diapers for a year! Receive weekly updates on your pregnancy or new baby’s development as well as Free Stuff, Special Offers, Product Samples, Coupons, Checklists and Tools you can use today, and more from EverydayFamily! Plus all new members are entered to win FREE diapers for a year!

Due Date or Baby's Birth Date


By clicking the "Join Now" button you are agreeing to the terms of use and privacy policy.

Send this to a friend