Thoughts on Miscarriage

woman in a chairThe house is quiet as you lay on your bed to go to sleep. Just a few days (or weeks) ago you found out the happy news that you were expecting. Immediately you wonder what the baby will look like, and you can't wait for your stomach to round out and blossom. Perhaps you are tired, maybe nauseous, and probably nervous and excited in a way you haven't felt since you were 8. Your hands seem to naturally gravitate to the middle of your body, where you just know a little heart is beating and a tiny person is living, growing inside. It redefines love and totally revamps how we worry as women.

Early pregnancy can be wearisome for a lot of reasons. Here you are pregnant, but it doesn't feel that earth shatteringly different. Compound that with the fact that doctors, friends, family members, and other people just don't seem to get the way you feel. You would think an OB/GYN would want you to rush into their office and be checked every day; after all, this is pregnancy we are talking about. But they don't; quite simply because most do not consider pregnancy confirmed until around the 12 week mark. Hmmm. Old wives tales warn us about spreading the news too quickly. The certainty of it is that in spite of doctors and fables, the pregnancy is absolutely real, and it is your right and honor to bask in the glory of it all you want.

Even worse, almost as soon as you tell people your good news, they will rehash some tragic story of miscarriage. It is hard to understand why people do this, but they do. Everything you read online or in magazines begins to throw out warnings about first trimester miscarriage and the symptoms and signs. Worry sets in, which is natural, of course. Dread, fear, and the ultimate betrayal of body and soul! That is what a miscarriage is. Will it happen to me: could it….the thoughts can easily turn to panic.

Dealing with a miscarriage is something that many people do long before it happens. The thought sits in the back of a pregnant woman's mind, and they wish frantically they would reach that coveted and surreal moment of the twelve week mark. This is when, according to the world, the pregnancy is real. For the mom to be, the pregnancy is real the moment they find out. The life is born, the love begins, and the feelings of maternal nurturing seem to shift from inside our soul to their rightful place in the forefront of life. It is only natural to worry about having a miscarriage. When you love and want something as badly as a child, the gut wrenching thought of it disappearing is heart breaking.

Being frank, all women know that the risk of miscarriage exists, especially in the first trimester. But the worry you feel should be fleeting at best. No matter how complacent a doctor seems to be about the way you feel, if worry is taking over your life, you should force them to take steps to make it easier for you. Sometimes hearing the heart beat can make a woman feel better, and purchasing or renting a fetal monitor may be just the thing to get you through this period of uncertainty. Chances are that no matter what you do, you will still worry some. Although you may be trying to get your hands on every tid-bit of pregnancy related news you can, it is often best to avoid reading the statistics and facts about miscarriage and concentrate more on all the happy and celebrated sides of pregnancy.

If you are one of the millions of unfortunate women who does experience a miscarriage, you will need to nurture yourself. Give yourself time to heal, not just physically, but emotionally. Do something that feels right to you to commemorate the life. It was a life, regardless of how other people feel. Plant a tree in memory, write the baby a letter, or prepare a burial. It doesn't matter how you deal with it – so long as you do. Try your very best to ignore all the ignorant and insensitive things that people will say to you. The truth is that they don't understand, and there is no way possible that they could. Forgive them before they speak. You and the father of the baby are suffering a loss, and in due time, through whichever means feel sufficient, you will heal. This healing does not mean that you ever will or should forget; for the loss of a baby in utero is quite distinctly- the loss of a dream. But you will go on.

Dealing with a miscarriage can be confusing and can ultimately feel like a failure. Knowing that there are thousands of others who went through the same thing is hardly comforting. The truth is that most miscarriages are due to the result of a genetic imperfection in the fetus. The bulk of the major genetic splits occur around the 10 week mark, and this is often the time when first trimester miscarriage occurs. There is little, if anything, that you could have done to stop or avoid it, no matter what. Unfortunately, the medical community and others offer little comfort, and it is unequivocally up to you to mother yourself for a while.

Having suffered through a couple miscarriages myself, I can say for sure that there is still a place in my heart for each of those children I lost. With them, I despairingly lost a dream and vision for my future as well. Months and years have passed, yet I still can feel the pangs of my burgeoning belly and those two babies that did not make it. Every once in a while, a tear will roll from my eye in memory. Although my life turned out differently than I expected at that time, it still turned out to be wonderful, full of laughter and children. Four of them to be exact! In my mothering heart I have six. Time definitely heals all wounds and dealing with a miscarriage is one of those abrasions that will take time to feel better. But it will!

What do you think?

Thoughts on Miscarriage

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8 comments

  1. Profile photo of LIZ says:

    Very interesting article i never have a lost, but couple of my friends, did, now i know how they feel, tnx so much

  2. Profile photo of Elfie Elfie says:

    I knew about loss my first pregnancy but never thought it would happen to me. Then it did. All throughout my rainbow baby’s pregnancy, I was constantly worried we would lose him too.
    With my first pregnancy, I had just told all the extended family members we were expecting and was going to post on Facebook after I used the rest room. That’s when I saw the blood.
    I hate when someone says it wasn’t a real baby because it didn’t have a heartbeat yet! It was real to me!!

  3. Profile photo of laina laina says:

    I was pregnant a year and a half ago or less. I had no idea I was pregnant so it was quite a shock to one day go to the washroom and give birth to something that didnt have eyes, mouth, legs and stubby arms with no gender. I had no signs of being pregnant other then a bit of whight gain that I attributed to eating too much or my period. Yes I was still bleeding during this time. I was home alone when I gave birth and still dont know if I did the right thing. My doctor asked me if I had taken a picture of it to determin the sex and age of the thing. It didnt have any sex organs. When I did get pregnant 4 months later again I was so scared Id lose this one too. I had no support and my hubby was in another country. My family suggested Id get rid of the second one. (they didnt know I had a Miscarraige just 4 months pryer. Only 4 people knew about it.) I still think of it every so often when I hear stories of other wemons miscarraiges and then I start to cry. I havent given it a name or anything and what I did was the only thing I could think of. At least everything was released from my body and I didnt have to have anything scraped out after the miscarriage. 4 months later I found out I was pregnant with my second child who is a healthy active, smart baby girl. The baby aparently was 21 weeks at time of mischarriage. I just wish I could of met some mothers in rl who dealt with a miscarriage and being pregnant again after the miscarriage.

  4. Profile photo of Kori Kori says:

    I myself have had 4 miscarriages. The first was ectopic and I almost died. The second was at 8 weeks a year later. My third pregnancy I now call her my miracle and she is 7. When she was 3 I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks and almost lost my life. Unbeknownst to me I was hemorrhaging and my OB/GYN gave me 2-4 hours to live had I not went to see him. That one was the most devestating for me and my husband. After that we said we weren’t doing that again. Well despite protection 5 months ago I became pregnant again and 5 weeks I had another miscarriage.The pain has eased but there are still times when I go into a quiet room and cry for my precious babies that I lost.

  5. Profile photo of ErinF ErinF says:

    The next six weeks can’t go quickly enough. I’ve tried hard not to get overly excited in case we do have a loss, but being our first I haven’t been able to curb my enthusiasm. I know it’ll hit me hard if it does happen, but I’m trying not to be too anxious. I had some minor spotting tonight and really had to convince myself that it was totally normal. Come September 19, I’ll be able to breathe a little easier, heh.

  6. Profile photo of Indiana07 Indiana07 says:

    I just miscarried my first pregnancy. I was 6 weeks and 3 days when I miscarried. My husband and I were really excited but when I miscarried our hearts just sank. Most times I wander what caused it to miscarry. The first thing my doctor told me was that it wasn’t my fault and that these things just happen, but for me I worry that what if I took to much of one vitamine or another or maybe i did something to strenuous. But reading this article and the other comments has helped me to better understand how miscarriages happen and that it really isn’t my fault. Still its heart wrenching.

  7. Profile photo of Lucky Lucky says:

    I’ve had 6 miscarriages–all within the first trimester. I’m now 15 wks pregnant with who my husband and i now dub LUCKY NUMBER 7…it’s still hard for me to get excited about this baby even though i’m way past the 12 wk marker…i still feel as if it’s not real and it’s hard not to worry about the "what if’s"…i’m so excited and anxious and so far–the baby is PERFECT! i hope that as time goes on i’ll find myself getting more and more used to it and a lot of the anxiety will disappear…

  8. Profile photo of Kristin Kristin says:

    I myself have had three miscariages ranging from 6 weeks to 10 weeks. They suck pretty bad but my mom warned me that it happens a lot with RH negative blood types so I was a little prepared. I had two miscarriages about three years apart before i finally had my son and then miscarried one more time a month before getting pregnant with my daughter. This time I seem to be lucky but I am being reserved until the 12 week mark since this happens so often in my family. I wish the best of luck to everyone and if there is ever anyone who needs a shoulder to cry on feel free to send me a message. I understand and even being prepared makes it really hard but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and it does get better. Just remember that all children who pass before the age of accountability are safely in God’s hands and are waiting for us to join them later on. They become our gardian angels. I must need a lot and I am glad they are all looking down and watching over me πŸ˜€ Peace and Blessing to all πŸ˜€

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