4 Things I Wish More People Knew About Miscarriage

Cherry Blossoms
Image adapted via Flickr/Suraya_M

When I first pursued growing my family, never was there any place in my mind that thought things may not go according to plan. We were going to go off birth control, I was going to get pregnant, have an easy pregnancy and delivery, and add the the most healthy, gorgeous baby to our family. I read all the books on preconception and pregnancy before we decided it was the right time and I was ready. Good to go, right?

Miscarriage seems to be one of those “go wrongs” that only enter our thoughts when it's happened to us already.

Except that's not how things ended up going for us. We went off birth control, I was getting pregnant, but for some reason my pregnancies would always end at about 7 or 8 weeks gestation, leaving me with another lost baby and another miscarriage in its place. It's been a long road for us building our family and now, instead of that perfect plan we had years ago, we are acutely aware of all the ways a perfect plan can go wrong. 

Miscarriage seems to be one of those “go wrongs” that only enter our thoughts when it's happened to us already. It's an uncomfortable topic to talk about and even more so when we're trying to conceive and holding on to that perfect vision of how it will all go. It doesn't happen that way for many women and families — miscarriage is estimated to affect “about 10 to 15 out of 100 pregnancies (10 to 15 percent)”, according to the March of Dimes. If you're fortunate not to be in that category, you may think it's not an issue you need to know anything about, but there are some things I wish more people, especially those not affected, knew about miscarriage – here are four of those things:

pink cherry blossom
Image via Flickr/Matthew Grappengeiser

1. It's a real grief:

It can be hard to understand why someone would be sad and grieving a miscarriage if you've not been through one yourself. You may not see it as a baby yet, but for the family, that baby was a member of the family. Not only are they grieving the loss of that, but often it's complicated from grieving the loss of what was expected and who that child would be, and it's just as real and powerful as any other reason for grief.


Cherry Blossom over water
Image via Flickr/Josh Berglund19

2. It's much more than just a heavier period:

Many people fluff-off a miscarriage thinking all the experience includes is a heavier period with cramps. People may believe that the earlier in the pregnancy the miscarriage occurred, the less likely it will have any lasting impact after the bleeding is through. The truth is, while that could be true for some women, everyone has a different reaction to loss and grief and what may be a normal reaction for one family, is not always the same for another. There can be emotional aspects to miscarriage that last far longer than the physical aspects.

pink cherry blossom close up
Image via Flickr/Zdenko Zivkovic

3. It may be common, but we still need support:

While miscarriage is common, it doesn't make it any less difficult for those going through it. It's an individual experience and when it's dismissed due to a statistic of commonality, that can make it even more difficult. In our experience, we didn't feel a lot of support throughout our experiences from the community and medical professionals and that is something that needs to change because so many women are left on their own, after the fact, to sort through all the emotional and physical aspects of a miscarriage. This is concerning because many may end up feeling so alone because of the dismissive nature that can be taken and some women may feel “abnormal” feeling they're having a harder time moving forward.

Cherry Blossom
Image via Flickr/Chris Hunkeler

4. Getting pregnant again or already having living children doesn't make it easier:

There is this widespread idea that if a woman has a miscarriage, she should feel happy knowing that she could get pregnant.  The goal of conceiving is to bring a child into the world and for that to happen, a miscarriage is not the end-goal. Additionally, if a family already has older children who are living and healthy, it doesn't help to say they should feel grateful for them as a way to console them through their miscarriage. It's still healthy to grieve the loss of another child and it has no bearing on that grief if you have children already or not. 

:: If you've been through a miscarriage, what is something you wish more people knew? ::


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4 Things I Wish More People Knew About Miscarriage

Devan McGuinness is the founder of the online resource Unspoken Grief, which is dedicated to breaking the silence of perinatal grief for those directly and indirectly affected by miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death. Using her own experience of surviving 12 miscarriages, Devan has been actively supporting and encouraging others who are wading through the challenges associated with perinatal and neonatal loss. Winner of the 2012 Bloganthropy Award and named one of Babble's “25 bloggers wh ... More

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  2. Lindsay says:

    This article hits it right on the nail. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 2.5 years. I have gotten pregnant, but all of my pregnancies have ended around 6-8 weeks. The ONE thing I wish more people took time to understand would be recognizing that I didn’t just “lose a pregnancy”. My baby DIED… My most recent miscarriage was in January, almost 5 months ago, but I’m still completely torn up about it, and absolutely heartbroken. It doesn’t matter that I was “only (almost) 8 weeks”, I had hopes and dreams and plans for that baby from the second I knew I was pregnant. I had plans for all of my babies… Babies just aren’t supposed to die, it’s so unfair.

    • Megan Klay says:

      I’m so sorry for your loss, Lindsay. My husband and I lost our first at 8-weeks as well, in February. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve been through in my adult life. We’re trying to conceive again and have been since March. I wish I had some amazing words of wisdom for you. I guess just know that you’re not alone in your struggle… Best wishes to both of us!

  3. Rebekah says:

    I had three healthy girls and we weren’t even trying to get pregnant. I thought I was starting my period when my “cramps” got so bad I couldn’t walk. My husband rushed me to the clinic and they told me I was five weeks pregnant and the baby had a strong heartbeat. They gave me medication and put me on a month of bed rest and were able to stop it. She is now 7 months old and very healthy.

    That was one of the most frightening times of my life. As soon as I saw that little heart beating on the monitor, she was my daughter. I can’t imagine what it would have been like to not have her with me. Every time I think of that time, I thank God she’s here. I have the deepest sympathy for those who have lost theirs.

  4. Lindsey says:

    Very touching, Devan. I wholeheartedly agree with everything you said because it all was very true to my situation. I couple things you mentioned and I’ll emphasize is that it is troubling to know that discussing your loss with others feels taboo. It took me almost a year to really talk to others, because I didn’t know how to approach loved ones about the subject. There are two women in my life that have endured the same pain that I did and they were like my lifeline to coping. Doctors didn’t help with their dismissiveness (like you mentioned) and my mom, who I’ve had a close relationship with all my life, was not supportive in that she never even asked me how I was doing, which crushed me. I think it was mostly because she didn’t know how, but I felt like she didn’t even try. The other part that I feel strongly about is how insensitive others can be. Like you said, you know you can get pregnant (and people will use that as a bright side), but that doesn’t mean anything to the couple trying when they are left with empty hearts and no little one to hold. Or “it will just happen because that’s how it worked for me” – everyone’s situation is so different! I am thankful for those that want to know how to help friends with this loss when they’ve never experienced it themselves. My advice is to ask your friend how they are doing and just listen. She probably wants to divulge and doesn’t know how or who to trust.

    Enduring a miscarriage in silence was one of the most challenging things I’ve dealt with, but I know there is hope for many women in this situation. Good luck to all that are ttc and to those who are expecting again!

  5. corind says:

    I lost 2 babies before getting pregnant with this one. both around the 6 week mark. even though Im passed the risk zone, I am so afraid that something is going to go wrong and I am going to lose this one too. my ex and the father of this baby has experienced 5 miscarriages, including going through this last one with me and tries to make me see hope all the time that our munchkin is going to make it, even though he has the same fears. losing the first 2 was hard and it still haunts me everyday and part of me actually feels bad for being pregnant with this one

  6. Rayna says:

    I lost my child on the six and I am having a hard time doing things that I enjoy. I most of it is skating, but because I “gave birth” I have to rest for a while. Some people in my family think I should snap out of it and help my grandma around the house because she is might have to go through surgery. I have to force myself to eat that is how bad I miss my son. Days after I left the hospital, my grandma told me that everyone that has kids have had at least one miscarriage. I am glad I was not told sooner because that would have scared me greatly, but still hurts to know that I might lose another if I accidentally end up pregnant again.

  7. jollean says:

    i know that feeling all to well my first boyfriend left me after 2 miscarriages then I met a great guy we had our first son then another miscarriages before he got deployed and another one when he got back it is a very hard feeling I had 5 miscarriages total and I have 3 boys it is hard to keep trying because every lost is hard I just sit and imagine that one of them could have been my girl

  8. Tiffany says:

    I wish more people would consider how dad feels when miscarriages occur. My husband was absolutely crushed when we lost our first baby and no one seemed to care about him but me. He laid by my side all night while I sat in the tub letting go of my baby who my body refused to reject after death causing me to get sick. To make matters worse, he had to go to work the next day because his boss refused to give him time off “for a nonexistent person” while a friend of his from the same place was given three days grievance leave with pay when his girlfriend fell down the stairs and lost theirs in the third trimester. The one person who asked how he was, didn’t take what I went through in consideration either. Her first words to me after a two week leave was “so how’s the baby? When are you due?” When I know full well they posted by our time clock about the loss. She never did think of me, but at least she thought of my husband!! Most just don’t count them and some men are more excited than us women.

  9. Jenny says:

    This is a great article and I love people’s posts but what I want to know is as an “outsider” who has not experienced a miscarriage what can I say or do for my friend who just did. We were both pregnant and super excited to share this experience and now I’m lost on what to do since she just lost her baby this week and mine is doing great.

    • It’s very kind of you to consider your friend’s feelings. Here is another article we have on helping a friend: http://www.everydayfamily.com/helping-a-friend-survive-miscarriage/ Hopefully some of our other members can also offer you their thoughts.

      • Mouse says:

        Let her lead the discussion when it comes to your pregnancy. Let her ask the questions and give her some space. Ask what you can do for her and don’t take it personally if she is unable to celebrate certain things with you, such as your gender reveal or even a baby shower. As each of those wonderful events for you, are reminders to her of what she would be experiencing with you. She is probably still very happy for you and really wants you and your baby to do well, but she will be hurting over this for a long time. Be there for her in whatever way she asks you to be.

  10. Joyce says:

    I am remarried to a man 17 years younger than I am who has no children. I have 3 adult children from a previous marriage. We have lost 5 pregnancies in the past 4 years, 1 was at the 23 week mark and another at the 21 week mark. The others were all in the first trimester. It is so heartbreaking and I felt like my body has betrayed me. We are still hoping to have one more chance as the doctors will give it everything they’ve got to try to prevent it from happening again. But they don’t know why it happened so we don’t hold out much hope. I am still waiting to see if I get pregnant, it has been just over a year since the loss of my last one on Jan 3, 2012. Having older children and grandchildren doesn’t stop it from being devastating, but I am getting to where I know that if we can’t have a child it will be okay because we have each other. I have 2 graves that I occasionally visit. Each pregnancy I worry if the baby is alright and it is hard to not have that fear take over. I am 45 years old on the 16th of this month and I wonder if we should even be trying. We are just letting things happen without using birth control but not “actively trying” to get pregnant. I guess time will tell and we will see if I can give my husband a child of his own that we can raise together. I still cry for my other babies though.

  11. angela says:

    I have had 3 miscarriages at 5 months over the last 5 years and unless you have been through it there is no possible way to understand how it feels

  12. dana says:

    I had1 miscarriage and after the fact I was glad because the man I was pregnant by told me after 4 yrs of paying child support he was going to shoot me in the head. I did go through the emotions because that was one of my baby’s now being pregnant with my 4th child I believe that if you’ve been pregnant before when the time is right God will send you the one.

  13. Shannon says:

    It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to go thru. My husband and I found out we were expecting our 2nd child and were completely over the moon. We already have a 2 yr old girl that brightens our lives everyday n we hoping this one would add just as much joy as our first. I waited till I was 8wks before making an appt. at my ob n I decided to go without my husband (he has a crazy work schedule) since my first pregnancy went smoothly n I had zero complications. I went for my ultrasound and the technician’s face just turn white and she looked like she was going to puke.. That’s when I started freaking out in my head. I looked at the big tv screen and it look nothing like my pervious pregnancy. The tech didn’t look at me or talk to me the whole time.. She just kept measuring everything and looking at the screen trying to find a heartbeat. The heartbeat wasn’t very strong and was very sporadic. At the end of the ultrasound she told me that I have about a 60/40 chance I losing the baby. I was heartbroken. I was in complete shock and to think I was all alone. How crazy was I now?! She walked me back to my doc office the back way n put me in a room telling me the doctor would be in to talk about my options. In the room all alone I called my husband n told him the news.. That’s when I lost it n started crying. I never imagined that this would happen.. I wasn’t physically or emotionally prepared for it. Not long after I pulled myself together n got off the phone, my ob walked him. All he kept saying was how sorry he was that this is happening too me and it wasn’t anything I did. The baby had an enlarged yolk sac, it was measuring small (6wk when I as 8wks), and with the slow heartbeat my odds were slim. My ob wanted to wait a week to see if anything changed before scheduling a d&c. I went back with my husband a week and a half later to find out the heartbeat was gone n the baby hadn’t changed.. I wanted to miscarry naturally if possible but We ended up scheduling a d&c after thanksgiving just in case. The day before thanksgiving I had my miscarriage, at home alone, with my two year old with me. I was so scared and freaking out because it was nothing like my ob told me it would be. It was the worst experience of my life and I hope I never have to go thru it again. My husband and I haven’t started trying again yet, mostly because I’m not ready, but also because I’m so scared of what might happen. The doctors can say all day along that it’s not your fault but in the end, it’s hard to not think your the reason when it’s your bodies rejecting this precious miracle inside you. It’s definitely hard to process n deal with.. I’m at the angry phase right now lol I’m sick of seeing n hearing everyone else around me either having babies or getting pregnant.. Deep down I’m pleased n happy for them but it’s so hard for me to not think I could have that if.. I don’t know what the future holds but I hope it’s big and bright. 🙂 Good luck to you who are having to deal with this horrible experience.

  14. Christina says:

    I have lost 13 children. 11 of them before my 16 year old daughter was born and 2 since then. Every miscarriage is harder than the last one. 5 of them were tubal pregnancies, but I still lost them, so to me it’s the same thing. In 1994, I had my first surgery and got pregnant with my daughter several months later. I was so scared the entire time I was pregnant that something would take this little miracle away from me. As it turns out, she really is my miracle child. 4 years almost to the day after my first surgery, I had to have surgery again and lost a tube. I was completely heartbroken, but I was determined not to think about it anymore. I had my miracle and didn’t think I was ever going to get pregnant again. I was with someone that, due to a childhood injury, couldn’t have children. Needless to say, he eventually left and I got with the man that was made for me. Almost the first time we were together I got pregnant. I went to the doctor like I was supposed to and did everything right, but we found out through several visits to the e.r. because of the pain that I was in, that it was a tubal pregnancy. At first, I thought the pain was normal because they told me it was a high risk pregnancy due to my age and the number of “failed pregnancies” that I had. They checked me into the hospital and told me I had to have surgery once again. I just kept thinking that it would be okay. They would do the surgery and then I could get pregnant t again. As I’m laying on this gurney outside the o.r. with him holding my hand, the surgeon comes out and says that he’s going to have to remove the tube. “There’s too much scarring for you to ever have a successful pregnancy.” I almost lost it right there. I think if I hadn’t been drugged at the time, I would have. Now we are trying to think of some way for it to happen. Money is an issue right now, but we are thinking of using a surrogate to eliminate the bigger problems of me carrying one. I am still hopeful that even though I can’t get pregnant through conventional methods that we can still have one. It doesn’t make it any easier, but it’s what I have to think about to keep from breaking down completely and ending up in a mental ward somewhere for the rest of my life. You have to take it day by day and try to think of happier things so you don’t lose your mind and yourself. My daughter got pregnant about a month after I did and had a healthy baby girl and I take care of her during the day. It does help, but at the same time, it makes it harder. Just knowing that my child would have been about the same size. She’s going to be 11 months in 11 more days so it’s hard knowing that my baby would be having a birthday party this month. I can’t dwell on it though. Every time I start to, I start crying uncontrollably, and I have a little one to look after and I can’t let it keep me from doing that. Sorry to ramble on so much, but it actually feels a little better to get it out.

  15. Alisha says:

    I had 8 miscarriages and a total of 36 months of pregnancy before the birth of my only child. I had a case of hashimoto’s that went undiagnosed for 4 years and was the major contributing factor to the miscarriages of what presumably would have been 8 healthy pregnancies. It’s hard to cope with the grief and the loss of your hopes and dreams, now that my daughter is 2.5 years old its but a distant memory to me, I have so much more to think about now. But I often think of other women who are going through what I went through. It was too painful. I remember seeing women with babies and feeling so sad. I remember not wanting to leave my house. I remember thinking I would never have a baby of my own. It’s still hard to think about, but I do speak about it as much as I can and I like to tell people about it because I think it needs to be discussed and people need to be aware. I feel for all women and their partners that have lost a baby, it is a harder type of grief because people just shrug it off. Oh well, you can try again, and all these stories that people tell. Like the doctor at the emergency room who told me that he and his wife had a miscarriage and they went on to have a baby. I was like that’s great, but did your wife have 6 miscarriages, of course I didn’t say it, I just looked at the ground and nodded but inside I felt like I was going to lose my mind. I remember an very uncomfortable ultrasound to check if I had lost a baby where the attendant was searching around with the ultrasound, eventually went and got the vaginal ultrasound and tried that and then excused herself and a doctor came in and in a very cold matter of fact manner told me that the baby was gone. I was so dejected and depressed, it was so difficult to pick myself up and try again.

    • LK says:

      How did they dx and treat the hashimotos? I have been diagnosed with hypothyroid and a Dr. once told me that I may have Hasimotos but I never followed up. I was 7.5 weeks pregnant when I miscarried (this week). It was my first pregnancy and it is by far a heartbreaking/painful experience. I hope I never have to go through this ever again. I need to follow up with an endocrinologist and I take synthroid to regulate my thyroid.

  16. Jewels says:

    My husband and I tried for 9 months to get pregnant with baby number 3. My first two pregnancies were perfect. Shortly before we found out that baby number three was coming my husband and myself went to Florida for a couple days. The first night there I fell and broke my leg. When we got home I took a test and it was positive. I was excited. We went to our 13 week checkup and the doctor said everything looked good. Four weeks later we went in for my 17 week checkup and he couldn’t find the heartbeat. My heart sank. I know something was wrong. We did the ultrasound and the doctor said I’m sorry. I lost it. I blamed myself. Thinking that when I fell I hurt my baby. I asked him if falling can cause a miscarriage and he said no. I still don’t understand why I lost my precious bundle. But three months later I was blessed with a beautiful baby girl. I was scared the whole pregnancy. I think about my little angel all the time and wonder what she would be like today. More people need to talk about this. It shouldn’t be kept quiet.

  17. Amelia says:

    I’ve been fortunate enough to not have this experience, however i’ve seen it all around me. It has affected my friends and my sister in law. It broke my heart when my sister in law lost a baby while i was carrying one of the same age. Now, my son is 18 months, their adopted son is 17 months and two friends have been blessed with little boys as well. I know how hard it has been for them, as much as i can know, from the outside, and i wish there was something i could say or do to ease the pain or at least better the odds for them.

  18. I have PCOS and tested positive for cervical cancer when I was 16. I was told I would never conceive and was scheduled for a hysterectomy to eliminate the cancer. I didnt go to my surgical appointment…and never went back. Over several more years and several testing, I was still told i had 0.1% chance of ever conceiving due to my PCOS. When my husband an I got married, I had my heart set on having children. We were surprised one morning when I had a strange feeling i was pregnant and took a test. IT WAS POSSITIVE! We were so excited, we beat the odds.Then we lost the baby at 9 weeks. a few months later, pregnant again!? What were the chances? Lost that one at 10 weeks. Pregnant again!? Lost at 7 weeks. Pregnant again…but this time I was depressed and cried. I didnt want to be pregnant again, I couldnt go through it again. At 14 weeks, second trimester, had an ultrasound to check on baby. Everything was fine, baby was good, past the miscarriage scare zone so we were safe. The next day, lost baby #4. We gave up. My heart was broken. My husband and I separated, it was too much for us to bear. I was miserable, hated life. He was hopeless, couldnt make me happy. We wereseparated 6 months, spent one night together before we were to file for divorce after only 2 years of marriage. Then, I found out i was pregnant again. I was devastated. This one was going to kill me. Every time I was pregnant, a little glimpse of hope. Every miscarriage was God laughing in my face saying I would never be a mommy. I acted as if I wasnt pregnant, afterall I wouldnt have a baby at the end of this anyways. but for some reason, this little guy stuck. My husband and I stayed together to wait it out. We grew closer as the baby grew bigger. We were excited for our future, our future as a family. My little guy was born 9 months ago after 4 very painful miscarriages. We are together, happy and hopeful. Things happen for a reason. Those miscarriages forced us to say things to each other we had been holding back. They forced us to admit we werent happy. That one baby who wouldnt leave forced us to rekindle what we had when we first met. Those miscarriages and that 1 baby saved us. Now planning to start trying for #6 pregnancy (hopefully #2 baby). My PCOS is still a huge problem but one we know we can overcome. 🙂

  19. Diana says:

    This article hits close to home for me. Being diagnosed with pcos I was for sure I would never have my family. Got married in 2003 & started trying & nothing happened. My husbands career took off & we moved to a bigger city & decided it was time to start trying. In 2009 we saw the reg Ob & done 5 cycles of clomid, nothing. Referred to an RE in 2010 & started injectables/iui. Responded good to first round but no pregnancy. 2nd round increased the meds. We were pregnant. At 6 wks started heavy bleeding went to er & they told us no heartbeat. Had a d&c a week later. Dr told us to try again. Very next cycle we did our third round of iui & it was twins. Lost them at 6 wks. I was devastated we were finally able to get pregnant but couldn’t stay pregnant. RE ran all sorts of tests & everything came back normal. Ran DNA studies on both of us & everything was normal. Went back to dr to start our 4th attempt to only find out that we were already pregnant. Natural pregnancy. I was blown away but scared to even move. It was short lived as we lost that one at around 6 wks. Naturally I was just devastated but numb at the same time. I was ready to give up. The next cycle we went back to RE for more tests to find out we were pregnant again. Went in at about 5wks and saw a sac. Went in at 6 wks & saw heartbeat something we never saw in any of our pregnancies. 7 wks heartbeat, 8 wks no heartbeat I was floored. Had another d&c & was an emotional mess. I was throwing in the towel. Hubby was trying to be strong & support my needs but I saw the hurt & pain he was going through. I gave him a way out so he could be with someone that could give him a family, he told me to have faith that things would workout. Our dr labeled us as unexplained recurrent miscarriage. She told us our next step would be to consider IVF with PGD or surrogacy. When that was mentioned we sought a second opinion from another dr in another city she ran more tests all which came back normal & referred us to another RE in our city. We went in for our initial consult where we discussed everything & decided to do iui with injectables again. They ran my blood work up & later that day called me & told me we were pregnant already. So they put me on heparine & progesterone injections along with baby aspirin. We went in the next week saw a heartbeat I was scared to go in the next week didn’t want to get my hopes up but we had a heartbeat. The next wk came, so far so good. We saw our baby growing & developing before our eyes. We made it to 10 wks & was released to our regular Ob where she monitored us wkly. Went to a maternal fetal specialist & he monitored our baby’s growth. On February 29,2012 I was induced because of IUGR & 24 hours later my son was born March 1,2012 5lb 13oz. When my son was 4mo old I found out I was pregnant again & my Ob started the same meds during my first trimester. On February 27,2013 I was induced because of decreased fetal movements & my daughter was born 6lb 5oz that evening 2 days before my sons 1st birthday. In August 2013 I found out I was pregnant again & now we await the arrival of my 3rd baby due April 11, 2014 (boy). Just when I was ready to give up my husband lifted me up & told me to have faith. My Drs. used heparine therapy even when I tested negative for clotting factors. I started my fertility journey in January 2010 & thought it would lead me nowhere. I’m on my 7th pregnancy since then & feel like I’ve been pregnant forever but all the tears & heartache I went through is so worth it I wouldn’t change anything.

  20. gfeld says:

    After suffering 3 miscarriages consecutively, my husband wanted a break before trying again but I was obsessed with seeing a pregnancy to full term asap. Luckily we found out what was causing the miscarriages and when my son was 2 years old, I gave birth to my second child. What a 2 year experience that was!! I hope it will never happen again! Now, years and 4 additional children later the miscarriage experience still has a hold on me. Every pregnancy is fraught with anxiety and grief for what could have been had it not happened. I know it’s an illogical frame of mind, yet it comes unbidden every pregnancy. I wish none of you this experience, and only healthy pregnancies and children!

  21. Lindsay says:

    It was awful and I wasn’t prepared at all. We were trying to have our 4th and final baby and had never had a problem conceiving or sustaining a pregnancy at all. We wanted our last two very close in age and started trying when he was 4 months old. Got pregnant first time as had happened every time before and thought yay! At 11 weeks 4 days I went to the bathroom, wiped and saw blood. I freaked cried then assumed it was a fluke. I looked up sch ad nauseum to make myselfbelieve it was anything but what it was. I finally went in to the dDr and was confirmed we had lost the baby. I was so lost and am still crying writing this almost 2 years later. I never talk about it, and my husband thought I was crazy to grieve. I threw myself headfirst into getting pregnant again to the point when we had trouble and one more loss at 5 weeks 3 days after I felt the joy of knowing I was pregnant again, my husband wanted to stop. He didn’t like how obsessed I became he thought we should wait. I couldn’t. I practically forced him to have sex when I was ovulating, I didn’t spend enough time with my wonderful son because I was too busy looking up conception tips etc. I was out of control. I finally got pregnant again, I found out July 31st and didn’t announce until 12 weeks. Every time I went to the bathroom I looked fearing the worst. This went on until 20 weeks and then I became taken over with anxiety about still birth. I just knew something was going to take this one away too. I had preterm labor and placenta previa and a cyst on her brain. I ran to the hospital unnecessarily because I was just so scared. My drs must have hated me! My gorgeous baby girl was born just perfect 4 days before her April 13th due date and I finally relaxed. I had my tubes tied in a rush decision to not go through any of this ever again and now regret it. I’m only 25 and might want one more in 10 years when I could feasibly still have one but oh well. She is 9 months in 2 days and I am so grateful but am still trying to recover from my losses. I never thought it would happen to us. I have never spoke about this before and thank you so much for giving me an appropriate forum to do so. I am a counselor and know my coping methods but couldn’t implement them. I just don’t know why. It feels so good to finally discuss this and I know ?I should have a long time again. I’m really sorry for making such a long post however!

  22. Lisa says:

    While the people in my inner circle that knew about our pregnancy and ultimately the miscarriage were very compassionate and understanding of our grief it wasn’t until a friend of mine told me that “God needed by baby”, did I feel any relief. I didn’t know it at the time but that was one of the things that was hurting so much that I didn’t know what had happened to this beautiful thing that was to be my baby. The idea that while I wasn’t able to bring that baby home it was still able to go to heaven was somehow comforting. We were lucky, I ended up getting pregnant again before I had even had another period and he was born completely happy and healthy. But I never stop thinking about the baby that we didn’t bring home.

  23. Amy says:

    I too had multiple miscarriages before having a successful pregnancy and a few more before having my second child. Everyday I am thankful for the two children I do have. I had always wished of having a large family, but between not being able to get pregnant because I rarely ovulate and the miscarriages I am happy I have two. I hate listening to women complain about being pregnant and everything about being pregnant when me and many other women would gladly change places with them. I really hate it when it is the women who didn’t want to get pregnant(have a lot of comments I could insert). For those who have never lost they do not understand the fear of every time you go the bathroom looking for any sign you may lose another one or making sure you still feel all the signs of being pregnant. I could never tell anyone I was pregnant because I didn’t want to tell them that I lost it later. You don’t get the joy of being pregnant, I was worried until the day I had my boys and even those were a close call.

  24. Christina says:

    I’ve had three miscarrages over the years with no living children. I cryed
    I was depressed, I wondered what did I do to deserve this.
    Why am I being punished?

    • Lilyanne says:

      Im so sorry for your losses Christina. You did nothing to deserve this and I know it does feel like you are being punished. I wish you a healthy pregnancy as soon as you are ready.

  25. Elena says:

    I had a miscarriage in my very first pregnancy at 7 weeks. Instead of lying and crying, first thing I did – read a good book and several articles to find out the possible root causes and how to carry a healthy pregnancy. Second – found a very good doctor though my friends’ recommendations. She was very good – checked carefully for all possible infections, hormon problems and other staff which could lead to miscarriage. It was all clean and I knew for sure what I did wrong – I had been exercising 3 times a week like I did before knowing about pregnancy so during one of my classes I felt severe pain in the uterus and 3 days later on ultrasounds there was a hematoma which causes the miscarriage 3 other days later. So I said to myself – once I get pregnant again, no exercising in 1st trimester unless the doctor allow so later on. So after 10 months from my miscarriage I got pregnant again with twins (one stopped developed though) and delivered a healthy girl the same year as my very first was supposed to be born. I am very happy being a mom, the lesson is learned and no fear! Now I am carrying my second baby and don’t even bother of thinking of miscarriages anymore. I just make sure I attend doctor often, get right nutrition and vitamins, enough sleep and rest.
    The key thing about keep your head recovered from miscarriage – know the exact root cause why it happened and find the doctor you can trust to make sure s/he monitors you carefully to correct any issues on time should they arise.
    Good luck to everyone here!

    • Rebekah says:

      It’s wonderful that you found a way to deal with your loss that worked for you, but you should’t condemn others who have different ways of dealing with their losses. “Lying around and crying” can be a preliminary way of processing grief. The rational steps you took do not work for others with more emotional ways of thinking, especially at first when it just happened, or when it has happened multiple times.

      I also can’t help but wonder, would you be so glib and dismissive if you had never found out why your child died, or had been unable to prevent more miscarriages from happening? This article was written to help women who are grieving, not so you can tell them that they don’t have that right and instruct them on what they did/are doing wrong.

    • Lilyanne says:

      Nobody here is ‘lying around and cyring’. They are taking the necessary steps that they need to mourn the loss of their child. And it is not always possible to know the ‘exact root cause’ of a miscarriage. In fact, more often than not, especially in early miscarriages and unless extensive genetic testing is done, there is very little chance of finding out the cause. Even with the aforementioned testing, in our case we had genetic testing done post D&C, there is still a good chance that the cause of a miscarriage will never be known. This in itself serves to deepen the loss for many of us. Also, in many cases no amount of nutrition, Drs appts, reading, limitations and to-the-letter advice-following will prevent a miscarriage. Again, yet another thing that makes a loss to miscarriage so much harder to understand and manage.


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