Surrendering to the Journey, Sort of

writing
Image via Flickr/ Rory MacLeod

My soul is that of a writer’s. I have known this since I was a child, writing intricate stories on lined paper, happily holed up in my bedroom for hours. Nothing is quite so sweet as a blank page where anything is possible. I suspect it is for this reason I often replay past experiences, analyzing their minutiae or consider in great detail alternate endings for key experiences should X, Y, or Z have happened instead. It is my nature to live as much in the past as in the future. For this reason, I struggle with living in the now.

I have never been one who wants to jump to the end of a good book or peek at her Christmas gifts. I take much more satisfaction in imagining what might be than what is. In regards to my life, however, I would very much like to peek at its ending or, at the very least, skip ahead some. 

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Does my future hold band practices and parent-teacher conferences? Will I be surrounded by children and grandchildren when my time comes? Will IVF be all for naught?

My life continues to unfold at a much slower pace than I often appreciate. Until a few Mondays before last, my journey to fertility had slowed to an indecipherable gait. My husband and I were locked in a holding pattern, waiting for further direction. Following months of silence, the head nurse for our ART program called me. I must weigh in and get my thyroid rechecked before they may schedule my baseline for the January IVF cycle. (It is tentatively scheduled for January 8, 2013, a week later than we initially anticipated.) 

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Will my weight be below their limit? Will my thyroid be within normal levels? By the end of this week, I will know. Until then, I remind myself to breathe and surrender to the journey. It is important to enjoy the quiet of a still house with my husband and the time I have to pursue my many interests. By the end of next year, our lives may be very different.

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Surrendering to the Journey, Sort of

Tammy Miesner recently joined the blogging community, combining her passion for writing and experience with infertility on her personal blog Womb Wasteland. She enjoys spending time with her active duty hubby and fur babies (two cats and a dog). Her interests include photography, reading, and genealogy. ... More

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