A Spot at the Table: Truths About Foster Care Adoption

Last November I had the privilege of doing a writing workshop at Camelot Community Care for homeless and unaccompanied youth in the Tampa Bay area. I met some of the most beautiful, thoughtful, and intelligent young people I have ever taught who were working so desperately hard to overcome life’s challenges. Their life stories and innate talent were deeper and more strikingly compelling than those of any young people with whom I had worked. Having lived through such hardships and having fought so hard to survive, they had the ability to write from a vantage point few others could emulate. Yet powerful as their life stories were, equally heartbreaking was the realization of how little they believed in themselves. This was sadly understandable given all they had been through, and the uncertainty of their futures. You see, they represent an alarming statistic that nobody wants to talk about – almost all of these wonderful teens and young adults that I spent the afternoon with had aged out of the foster care system. This is how they came to find themselves alone and homeless, unthinkable, frightening circumstances at any time of they year, but especially cruel approaching the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.

It is now one year later and not much has changed for these kids. Society now sees them as ‘young adults of legal age,’ and they are on their own. They put up good defenses and try to brave the world, but when they let their guards down you see that very vulnerable souls and minds of compelling sharpness lie behind their tough exteriors. It is with these sweet faces and hearts in mind that I implore you to make this post go viral. 

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November is National Adoption Awareness month, and an opportunity to spread the word about the 400,000 children currently in foster care in the United States, and the 250,000 children who enter U.S. foster care annually. Of these youth in foster care, there are currently 102,000 kids eligible for and awaiting adoption, 30 percent of whom are between the ages of 11 and 17. The Administration for Children and Families (ACF) also notes that many of the children in foster care are eight years old and up, are part of a sibling group, and their predominant ethnicities are Caucasian (40%), African American (28%), and Hispanic (22%).

They all share a common dream, something so many kids take for granted; the chance to sit around a kitchen table with food to eat and people who care, to look at a family photo and see they belong, to go to bed at night feeling warm and safe. Sadly, many of these children’s dreams will never be realized because there are so many common misconceptions about adoption. The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption notes, “Nearly 81.5 million Americans have considered adopting a child. If just one in 500 of these adults adopted, every child waiting in foster care would have a permanent family. But foster care adoption is often misunderstood, preventing children from finding forever families.”

The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption debunks the most common myths about adoption on their site:

“Myth #1: Foster care adoption may cost less than private infant or international adoption, but it’s still expensive.

Myth #2: A biological parent can come to take an adopted child back.

Myth #3: Children enter foster care because they committed a crime.

Myth #4: A single parent can’t provide a healthy environment for an adopted child.

Myth #5: No person over 55 can provide a healthy and loving environment for an adopted child.

Myth #6: Same-sex parents are not capable of providing a healthy environment for an adopted child.”

The National Resource Center for Diligent Recruitment at AdoptUSKids notes two more misconceptions that stand in the way of foster kids being adopted.

“Myth #7: You have to have a college degree.

Myth #8: You have to own a home.

We encourage you to visit their sites to see the facts that disprove these myths. 

In addition to myths about adopting from the foster care system, unrealistic ideals of perfection can also derail many prospective parents from adoption. The National Adoption Recruitment Campaign reassures potential parents; “All parents make mistakes and being a good adoptive parent does not require perfection. Rather, it requires the very traits that many potential parents may not even know they already possess: time, stability, maturity, commitment, flexibility, compassion, a sense of humor, patience, a team player attitude, and an overall love of children.”

“You don’t have to be perfect to be a perfect parent,” agrees the ACF and AdoptUSKids.

“Even if you are not perfect you have the potential to make a positive impact on a child’s life. Trust me, when I say, they will embrace you just as you are-imperfections and all … We encourage prospective parents to consider adoption of teens and preteens (11 to 17 years old) from foster care. Older children wait longer to be adopted, are over-represented in the foster care population, and have lower adoption rates. For those families who adopt teens they are giving these children the support and stability of a family and home during a critical period of normal adolescent concerns and important self identity issues.” 

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There is also a need for adoptive parents who understand the importance of strong sibling bonds. This year’s 2014 Adoption Awareness Month theme is “Promoting and Supporting Sibling Connections.” Explains ACF child advocates, “The sibling bond is critically important over the course of a lifetime and is often the longest lasting relationship most people have-longer than the parent/child or spousal relationship. Over the last two decades, research has demonstrated the vital nature of sibling bonds and their importance for children’s development and emotional well-being. When siblings cannot be placed together, facilitating regular contact is essential to maintaining these relationships.”

With so many children and youth of varying backgrounds, ages, and needs eligible for adoption, and so many adults out there with big hearts, patience, a sense of humor, and “perfectly imperfect” lives, surely there is a match for every child. Could it possibly be you or someone you know? Might you consider sharing this article with a neighbor, friend, or family member you feel would be a great adoptive home and tell them why you believe in them? Perhaps then, next Thanksgiving, there will be one more seat filled at that family table. Perhaps next Christmas there will be one more smiling face in the family photo.

Will you or a friend or family member provide that hope and make one child or youth’s dream come true? 

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If you would like to learn more about fostering or adopting a child, visit AdoptUSKids for current and step-by-step information about the process. AdoptUSKids also maintains a database of children in U.S. foster care eligible for adoption at http://adoptuskids.org/meet-the-children/search. To contact AdoptUSKid by phone, call 888-200-4005 for an English-speaking staff representative and 877-236-7831 for a Spanish-speaking representative. For additional information, you can also go the Child Welfare Information Gateway, managed by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families (ACF).

Another wonderful resource is the Heart Gallery of America, “a traveling photographic and audio exhibit created to find forever families for children in foster care”. To access the heart gallery in the state where you reside and view all children eligible for adoption, click here http://www.heartgalleryofamerica.org/Galleries/index.html. For more information on National Adoption Awareness Month, visit https://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/nam/#twtr=pro.

One final resource for my most special readers, those with the most understanding of hearts and the most open of minds. To you, I entrust a dream for the young adults for whom it appears to be too late, the youth who have already aged out of foster care and have found themselves seemingly alone in this world. Adoption has no age limit. May more people find it in their hearts to follow the footsteps of an amazing writer and mother, Holley Gerth;

“One night I watched a television special on foster kids who age out of the system and unexpected tears began to slip down my cheeks. This is not okay, I thought. These kids can’t spend the rest of their lives without parents. In case you aren’t familiar with the system, when foster kids turn 18 they’re simply sent out into the world as adults. I kept asking myself: Who will help them learn to be grown-ups? Who will walk them down the aisle on their wedding days? Who will be grandparents to their babies?”

Holley ended up volunteering at a transitional center for youth aging out of the foster care program and two hearts became one. You can read the inspirational story of Holley and her adopted 21 year old daughter, “A Family Love Story: How One Daughter Adopted Her Parents”, right here.  

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 Do you have a positive foster care or adoption story to share? We'd love to hear from you in the comments!