Next Christmas, Maybe Baby?
Christmas. The holiday season, what dances in your head when you think of this time of year?
Maybe sweet treats, treasured traditions, houses outlined in dazzling lights, or a fresh pine tree adorned with sentimental baubles and strewn with tinsel? Perhaps you are one of the few with actual sugar plums hoofing it in your head. (What are sugar plums?)
For me, the holiday season, in general, invokes memories of family. It is a time for magic and children. I think this is why the holidays are particularly difficult for infertiles. While I have a great deal of family—immediate, extended, adopted, and even removed, there is a gnawing void. It grows exponentially this time of year as festivities ramp up. With each ornament that is perched on a bough and each house that is illuminated, the black mark on my soul grows. Neither nieces nor nephews nor friends’ children or first cousins, once removed may fill it or, at the very least, stunt its growth.
Since we started actively trying to conceive, each Christmas without a child is difficult. It is my life’s veritable hourglass, a faithful reminder of what continues to slip away.
Each New Year’s Eve that arrives, I whisper this wish, “Maybe next Christmas.” Maybe next year, I will have a child cooing by the Christmas tree. Maybe next year, Santa will not be the only one sporting a bowl full of jelly. This year is no exception. As we plod through the Christmas festivities and into the New Year, January’s IVF weighs on my mind.
According to the head nurse, my weight is within range but my TSH level is one-tenth above their limit. With such a minimal overage, the nurse does not anticipate a delay. She expects the doctor will prescribe me another medication to lower the level at the start of my IVF cycle; however, I have yet to hear anything official. Our baseline date is still tentative. Yet again, I am left with only this whispered wish, “Maybe next year.”
Do the holidays make the challenges of the TTC journey harder to deal with for you as well?