Mom Confessions: Sex – What You Don’t Want to Talk About

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Image via Flickr/ JayD Photography

Over the past few months, I have crowd sourced many moms for several different mom-confession topics. From Truths About Baby Bunching to Potty Training Struggles, moms and dads have shared their thoughts and honesty. These are always my favorite articles to write because it's nice to know I'm not alone in this game of parenting. I typically have at least 20-30 people respond to any given topic. This week, when I crowd sourced friends on my personal and blog Facebook pages about their sex confessions, not a single person responded. Well, that's not completely true. The responses I got ranged from “I can't wait to read this one”  to “Please post the article on Facebook when it's published.” Yet no one wanted to dish out their own sex confessions.    

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My initial reaction to this silence on a social-media platform where people often over share was of shock. I even offered to publish people's comments anonymously and allow them to contact me by email so people wouldn't feel embarrassed. Still nothing. Does this mean people stop having sex after their children are born? Not necessarily, but it's no secret that sexual relations decline during those early years of parenting.  

After your baby is born, there are many factors that can interfere with your sex life.

Biological Changes. Many biological factors after the birth of a baby can impact a woman's sex drive, including fluctuating hormone levels, postpartum depression, and even anemia from a heavy loss of blood during delivery.

A study by Dr. Lee Gettler looked at how the biology of a new father changes after the birth of a child. His study found that during the first years, new fathers experience a drop of testosterone between 33-34%. Dads that help out with childcare for three or more hours a day saw a further drop in testosterone of 20%. 

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Birth Trauma.  Depending on your overall delivery experience, sex after having a baby can be very painful, even after your doctor has cleared you to resume normal activity. If you don't experience any pain, anxiety related to sex can put a damper on your ability to enjoy sex postpartum. It is recommended that you address any of these concerns with your doctor.  

Breastfeeding. Fluctuating hormones related to breastfeeding can affect a woman's libido. Also, many moms have a hard time making the switch from “my breasts are for feeding my baby” to “my breasts are sexual objects for my husband.”  

Exhaustion. The fatigue from lack of sleep during those first few weeks, months, and sometimes years of early parenting does not exactly lead to a desire for bedroom recreational fun.

Once a couple gets through the initial months or years of zombie-parent life, it can be difficult to reconnect with each other in an intimate way. Life, of course, will never be the same, and you may even need to work on parts of your relationship that felt like second nature before kids.   

{ MORE: 5 Secrets to Great Sex }

What steps have you taken to get your sex life back on track after the birth of a child or as a parent to young children? 

What do you think?

Mom Confessions: Sex – What You Don’t Want to Talk About

Mindi is a working mom with three boys ages 4, 2, and an infant (born June 2013). She spent her first 8 years of her career in Speech-Language Pathology at a Children's Hospital. She currently works with adults and children in home health. The real fun for her happens when she is at home with her boys, chasing them around and pretending to be a super hero. She blogs about life as a working mom at Simply Stavish. Her weekly feature, Words in the Sand, teaches parents how to grow their child's s ... More

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6 comments

  1. Timothy says:

    It will be 2 years sense we had sex in a couple of months.. It has been so long that when my wife actuallly agrees to it I may not even care by then. Our Daughter turned 1 a month ago.. you do the math. Not such a big issue for me because I am 57 and my wife is 28. 🙂 I have read some interesting posts here though.

  2. Aubrey says:

    I have 3 kids. 13, 10 and just turned 3. After my third, who was my hubby’s first, and being the primary care giver I was always exhausted. Never wanted sex, even though I was a borderline nympho before getting pregnant. Just seemed to take too much time away from sleep, too much planning, leaky boobs weren’t sexy to me, and of course I felt fat as hell. My hubby was considerate, no begging if I said no, just accepted it. When we did have sex, I enjoyed it and often thought afterwards “why was I so resistant?” Next time rolled around and I was still saying no. I realized that, for me, it was one of the few things I felt like I could control in my crazy household. But my hubby came to me one night, and told me that it hurt him when I pushed him away. That he thought I was still beautiful no matter what. Leaky boobs didn’t bother him, and if I needed a shower, to just ask him to take the baby. I also read a blog (I think) that espoused the idea that the more you say no, the more you are depriving yourself. That you need the intimacy after a baby most of all to strengthen the bond between you and your significant other. So, I made myself say yes more. And the more I said yes, the more I resumed looking forward to it. And when the baby woke up in the middle of it, we learned to laugh about it. Hubby still calls him our little cock-blocker, and swears he’s going to call him at all hours of the night when he has his own place and a girl friend! Even those times that it’s just a quicky, it shows my hubs that I love him.

  3. Sanjuana says:

    I just had my 3rd son, 5months ago, today, but I just can’t get back into love making, its like the children are my priority, then I started couponing, and the only time i have to do it is when the children are all asleep at same time, but my husband wants attention at that time, but when do I get me some time, couponing is like my me time, Somebody tell me what to do please. I be so tired. and a exclusive breastfeeder, do I really have too much on my plate at one time.

  4. ovation says:

    After our first son was born it was somewhat tough to getting back to business. I swear he had this uncanny ability to know when we were trying to get busy even after he’d been in bed for couple hours. Now our oldest is 4 and our second is almost a year old and it has complicated things. The baby still takes naps but our oldest does not so that cuts any spontaneous sex. Sex is a little more planned out around the kids sleep time or if grandma takes the oldest for a few days. So I would say our sex life is just as active as before we had kids it’s just not as spontaneous.

  5. Lisa says:

    I will actually be sure to bookmark this and let you know in a month.

  6. Jessica says:

    I am currently one of the lucky ones. Our sex life has changed very little since our 9 month old was born, even though I’m already 16 weeks pregnant with our second. We typically have sex at least 2 times a week. I do have a feeling that having 2 kids in diapers may change that though.

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