Happy Thanksgiving. The Turkey’s On Fire.

thanksgiving turkey
Image via Amanda Rodriguez

I never cook Thanksgiving dinner for my family.

Never.

That’s what Mimi’s and Papa’s are for right?

At least that’s the case around here. 

It’s not like I haven’t tried though.  I’ve tried.

One year my parents decided to travel out of town for the holiday and I decided to make up for it by going all out and hosting our very own Thanksgiving shindig.

Made a menu.  Invited guests.  Ordered a ham from one of these fancy places.  Got an organic turkey.  Bought matching hand towels and fancy soap for my guest bathroom. Lysol’d pretty much every surface in my entire crib.  Whole nine yards.

Everything was going well until it came time to pick up the ham and I discovered that I’d accidentally ordered it to be picked up the week after Thanksgiving (no wonder it was so cheap!).  When I stood in the store and heard the I’m-sorry-ma'ams from the teenaged dude behind the counter telling me I was outta luck at such a late date, I should’ve known my fate was sealed.

But, ever the optimist, I instead rushed to Costco with every other procrastinator and her mama, snatched up a cheaper version of everyone’s favorite cut of pork next to bacon, and went home with hopes that my turkey game would at least be on point.

Turns out it wasn’t. 

Turkey requires a long, slow roasting processes to make it awesome.  And, if you realize that your turkey isn’t doing it’s thing quite as quickly as you planned and you need it to be on your table in less than an hour, so you turn up the heat to get ‘er done, you may wind up with smoke billowing from your oven while your entire table of clearly ungrateful and judgy family and friends looks at you with disdain as they wonder what the heck they are going to eat since the turkey is engulfed in flames and the ham is ridiculously tiny.

You may wind up with smoke billowing from your oven while your entire table of clearly ungrateful and judgy family and friends looks at you with disdain

Green bean casserole, bread rolls, and a mean tray of chocolate chip cookie dough brownies that will erase every single thought of burnt turkey, that’s what.

So, what should you do should you find yourself in this unfortunate situation?

Take a deep breath.

Count to 600.

Turn to your friends and family and tell them that you are so, so very thankful for their PRESENCE.  That you love that they are here and would love to join them in this way again next year.  At a restaurant.  Your treat.

Then, roll out your side dishes and have at it while you laugh at your smoky kitchen and talk about how awesome of a story this will be one day when everyone gets over it and you post it to your blog.

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Happy Thanksgiving!

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Happy Thanksgiving. The Turkey’s On Fire.

Amanda has been wowing the Internet since 2008 when she launched her pretty-much-useless guide for parents, parenting BY dummies. As it turns out, her parenting advice is not generally useful for more than a good laugh, but sometimes that’s exactly what you need! Amanda spends her offline time (which is embarrassingly limited) running a photography business, working as a social media director for a local magazine, writing freelance articles about stuff she loves, wrangling her 3 little Dudes ... More

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