The Reality of Miscarriage: Pain and Healing
It's been two months since my husband and I had our dreams shattered when we found out our baby had no heartbeat at my first prenatal appointment — two long months of heartbreak, tears, and sorrow. The pain is still so raw. The first few weeks after we found out we would not be celebrating the birth of our fourth child in October were just a blur of crying. It was the worst during quiet moments I had to myself; driving in the car, doing the dishes, or lying in bed at night seemed to be the worst moments. I wondered, “Why me? What did I do to cause my body to reject this precious life?” And the worst thought of all: could the doctors have been wrong?
When my doctor told us that she could not find a heartbeat, I was 7 weeks and 5 days along. After having three healthy babies, I was in total shock that it was happening. She told me my options: surgery, pills or wait for it to happen naturally. Out of the three options, waiting for the miscarriage to happen sounded like the least medically induced, and so that's what I did.
I waited three long weeks for my miscarriage to finally start. It was a long three weeks filled with self-doubt and anxiety. I had a follow-up doctor's appointment about a week and a half after my first appointment. At that appointment, I asked for a follow-up ultrasound to be sure that, in fact, the baby had no heartbeat. Once she confirmed it a second time, I decided to take the medication to induce the miscarriage.
Except I never filled the prescription.
I just couldn't.
Even though I knew I was miscarrying, the voluntary act of swallowing pills to begin the process felt wrong to me, so I continued to wait, and as long as I wasn't showing any symptoms of infection, my doctor was OK with this plan.
When the process of my miscarriage finally began, I was hit with an even greater sense of loss than I imagined. I just wanted to crawl under my covers and never come back out. I fully miscarried on a Sunday morning. It was a very painful process, nothing like the doctors tell you. The pain is comparable to labor, except it passes much quicker. The emotional pain of the experience is unfathomable.
It's been two months since I became an angel mom. It's a title I never thought I would wear and wouldn't wish upon anyone. Each day brings a sense of sadness with it. Some days are worse than others. Some days I can almost remember what it felt like to be fully happy again. Giggles, smiles, and hugs from my three boys carry me through each day. This is my new life. Mom of four — three babies I can hold and one I cannot.
Have you experienced a miscarriage? If so, how did you get through the first few months after your world was turned upside down?