The Hope of Conceiving – The Battle Within Myself During IVF
This is not how I should be feeling on the eve of my baseline; is it? The butterflies in my stomach are at war. They are not lightheartedly flitting about in happy anticipation.
No—they are bouncing violently from one side to the other like spastic super balls. Meanwhile, doubt and hopelessness are swirling around in my head. Amidst the chaos, though, hope sporadically peeks out with a wink, I assume just to offer assurance it has yet to forsake me.
My first medication—Lupron—was delivered on Saturday morning along with a sharps container (necessary for safely discarding needles), 20 syringes with needles that are much longer than I expected (a good 2.5- to 3-inches long), some smaller needles at a more manageable 1.5-inches long, and individual packages of gauze and disinfecting wipes.
The Lupron prescription reads: Take 20ml every 12 hours. My first thought: Uh, that’s twice a day?!
Back in the spring of 2011, I managed to administer daily injections of Menopur into my belly. It was not awful, but it was not fun. I did this for four (nearly consecutive) cycles of IUIs (10 to 12 days each cycle). By the fourth, I was struggling much more with the shots than I had the first round.
The IUIs only required one shot a day. How will I ever manage more than that each day?
I don’t know exactly. I do know, like anything that has been particularly challenging or anxiety-inducing in my life, I will make it through with a deep breath (or twenty) and one thought that encourages me to press on. I will likely require more than just one thought.
Certainly, the hope of conceiving a child will be one such thought. It alone will remind me why I must pierce my skin with multiple needles each day. But it may not be enough.
On those days when the fear in my heart outweighs my hope, I will likely have to employ reason—I can’t risk wasting the thousands of dollars we have already invested simply because I can’t give myself a shot. So, when all else fails, I will take the shots even if I have to impale myself on them.