Pregnancy Loss: Does the Ache of Miscarriage Ever Really Go Away?
I'm coming up on a year since my pregnancy loss, which happened last summer. As summer came to an end last year, so did my dreams of completing our family. I sat on the beach, watching the waves, unable to get in the water as the miscarriage continued for over two months. And I wondered if a day would come when I would stop bursting into tears randomly.
Thankfully, that day did come. So many mamas who have been through pregnancy loss surrounded me and encouraged me that my feelings were real and valid and that it would get better with time. It was so hard for such a long time because I felt like I couldn't even leave the house. I just didn't trust myself to even walk through the grocery store without seeing a pregnant woman and breaking down in sobs.
And now, almost a year later, the tears have subsided, thankfully, but I have to admit that part of me still feels “stuck”. I don't know the “right” way to move on after a miscarriage, but whatever it is, I'm not sure it's happening for me. Part of me still thinks about my miscarriage every single day and part of me still feels the pain and ache of that loss every single day too.
To be honest with you, I'm a little embarrassed about how much I still think about my pregnancy loss and how much it hurts. I feel like I'm being too sensitive or too self-obsessed or just too annoying talking about it. So many moms have been through so much pain and hurt and loss. And I'm over here with healthy kids and one loss that, on the grand scale of losses (I know such a thing doesn't exist, but in my mind it kind of does), should not register.
But still, here I am, wondering what's “normal” after a pregnancy loss. I miscarried what would have been our family's last baby. So in a lot of ways, I know I feel stuck because part of me doesn't know if the ache of the loss would be eased in trying for our rainbow baby, or if that ache will always stay there.
One pregnancy loss mama told me that the ache of the loss never ever truly goes away, even after another baby. And in some ways, you never want it to, because that ache is a representation of the love that you had for the baby you never got to meet. That makes so much sense to me and it has become a comforting reminder to me to not feel ashamed of my feelings, even if I'm the only one who feels them.
I'm honestly not sure what the future holds for our family and if I will ever be brave enough to put my heart on the line again. But until then, I'm working on understanding that the ache of miscarriage may never go away — and that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Did you have a rainbow baby? Did you find that the ache of miscarriage goes away or is something you just learn to live with?