10 Things Parents Wish Kids Knew Already

10 Things Parents Wish Kids Knew Already Picture

I have been a mom for going on 11 years.

I know, totally hard to believe because I look soooo young.

But, it’s true, and the oldest Dude will be celebrating his 11th year of life courtesy of his awesome mama this November.

I’ve learned a bunch about being a mom from him and his brothers, here are some things I wish they would learn already too.

10 Things Parents Wish Kids Knew

1.  Whining generally has the opposite affect as intended.  It seems that my kids like to whine to get me to do their bidding.  Or possibly to gain some sympathy.  But, what they need to realize is that I will never go to the dark side their whining tends to produce the opposite effect of that which they desire.  I seriously stop listening the moment their whiny voices appear and, the only thing that invokes sympathy around here is blood, and sometimes that doesn’t even work.

2.  Silence is golden.  Unless someone is asking you a direct question that requires your response, and then?  It’s just weird.  The Dudes seem to have perfected the art of producing a blank stare when someone is attempting to engage you in a conversation that requires your input.  I’m pretty sure people think my kids are deaf (okay, one sorta is) or just not all that bright (they all are, I swear).  Really, they are just really socially awkward, something they probably get from their mom dad.  Thankfully I know the ability to not creep people out can be learned over time.

3.  Flushing is NOT optional.  It is a requirement.  Doesn’t matter if it’s a ONE or a TWO it needs to be completely disposed of shortly after it makes its appearance.

4.  Wiping is NOT optional either.  See above.  And, don’t bother trying to deny, I’ve got proof!  I wish I didn’t, believe me, I wish I didn’t, but I do.

5.  Shouting is unnecessary.  Myself and everyone else in the vicinity can hear, despite our best efforts not to. 

6.  I’m smarter than you are.  Sure you’re probably faster, and before long we all know you’re gonna be bigger and stronger, but I am always gonna be smarter.  I’m a girl, it’s a given.

7.  I know when you’re faking.  Faking sleep.  Faking sick.  And, most importantly, faking the truth. 

8.  I don’t care about at least 50% of the things you think I care about.  Like, if your room is clean.  Or, if you wear your flip flops to school when you have gym.  Or, if you like to go commando on the days you have gymnastic practice.  I make a big deal about that junk because I care about YOU.  I care that you know about good hygiene.  I care about you wearing safe footwear so you don’t break your face on the pavement.  And, I care that you don’t flash your junk man bits to a room full of tween girls while you jump on the trampoline.

9.  I’m not made of money.  And, even if I was, I wouldn’t buy you 50 packs of gum or a Big Gulp, or that whatever-majig you are asking for at the check out stand.  I would build a big house, with a pool so I could wear my swimsuit in peace.  And then I’d have a huge Mariah-Carey-style closet put in so I could play dress up all day while the nanny drove you to soccer practice and helped you with that bloody homework. 

10.  I freakin love you.  Not like a little either.  Like a whole, whole lot.  Like more than your little brain can even begin to understand.  And one day, I know that you will know it and thank me.  I’ll be here when you’re ready.

What do you think?

10 Things Parents Wish Kids Knew Already

Amanda has been wowing the Internet since 2008 when she launched her pretty-much-useless guide for parents, parenting BY dummies. As it turns out, her parenting advice is not generally useful for more than a good laugh, but sometimes that’s exactly what you need! Amanda spends her offline time (which is embarrassingly limited) running a photography business, working as a social media director for a local magazine, writing freelance articles about stuff she loves, wrangling her 3 little Dudes ... More

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  1. Profile photo of Patricia Patricia says:

    Just a bit in defense of some kids…..
    1) Whining was taken care of a long time ago. I taught him to "sign", so whining is not an option, and "the look" usually takes care of it.
    2) Growing up around elders, he can either entertain himself quietly, or have conversations with adult. When spoken to, he is expected to respond (this doesn’t always work for me, but he knows when others speak to him, he should acknowlegde them) rudeness is not an option no matter what you would rather be doing.
    When we go through the checkout line, I am not to be interupted during a transaction . No candy .
    3) To conserve water at home, we have the 2 pees and one poop flush rule.
    4) Yeah, it’s a boy thing about wiping, but like I told my son, I didn’t put poopy diapers in my washing machine, and I am not going to put poopy boxers in there either. If I see them, he has to wash them out before they go into MY washer!! A few hand-washings of poopy boxers ended that real quick!!
    5) I am not hard of hearing!! If you want to be embarrassed by your Mom wearing a hearing aid because of my eardrums being blown out, then go for it!!
    6) Girls can do anything that boys can do (period). Being an old Mom and growing up in the 60’s don’t EVER tell this Mom otherwise…….I blazed a few trails in my day!!
    7) Haven’t had to deal with this one. Have always gone with the reasoning, if you tell me the truth no matter how bad it is, I may be PO’ed at you, but you won’t get into trouble. You lie to me and your goose is cooked!!
    8) No commando, it you pull up your zipped and get your penis caught in it, it will hurt a LOT! Says he, "how do you get the zipper loose", "just grab hold the zipper and pull it real hard…..skin usually comes with it". Dressing appropriately is his responsibility. It is not my job to keep track of days with closed toe shoes, cleaning the room, or laundry finding its way to the washer. My job is to wash, dry and fold, you put them away!!
    9) Money? If you think you can do it better, here…….here is the money for YOU for the month. The first week ended that stuff when he cheerfully spent all the money on Legos acting like there was more money coming. What if I decided I want to spend all of our money on something I want, and don’t make the house payment or the car payment?? Are you going to be okay with them coming and making us move or taking our car and you walk?? That’s real life!!
    10) I love him,you betcha’ I do, I traveled half-way around the world to adopt him, but he is MY responsibility until he is 18. There are rules everywhere you go in life, and not teaching manner, and rules is a disservice to our children…………
    One old Momma

  2. Profile photo of Bonniebell81 Bonniebell81 says:

    Love this and I so agree!!!

  3. Profile photo of tammy tammy says:

    this made me LOL!

  4. Profile photo of Shiloh JohnsonEditor Shiloh Johnson says:

    Love this post Amanda! You are too funny 🙂 I especially love the part about being smarter because you’re a girl – so true! Of course, I have a daughter, so I guess that argument won’t always work for me…


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