3 Ways to Get Your Partner to Value YOU!

happy coupleYou change diapers, cook dinner, go to work, pay the bills, and clean the house. You try not to nag or complain. You share the remote and remember special occasions. You feel like you do all the things a good husband or wife, mom or dad, should do; and yet you still feel like what you do is not appreciated.

You feel like your partner has turned away from you and doesn't notice you these days. You think from time to time, “How do I make my partner value me again?”

Your partner may also feel undervalued – even though you think and feel that you have shown appreciation to him or her.

This is such a common question when couples begin to grow apart, especially when the newness of the relationship wears off.

When I meet with clients in my counseling office and this issue comes up, I address two major perceptual issues that influence how valued people feel in their relationships.

First, you can’t force someone to value you. You can inspire appreciation, express needs, and set limits; but ultimately, whether another appreciates and values you is up to him or her.

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Secondly, it’s possible that your partner does indeed value you and the relationship, but struggles to know how to express or show it. It may be that you feel undervalued, but that is not the actual case. In this situation, it is common that your partner probably also feels undervalued – even though you think and feel that you have shown appreciation to him or her.

With these two underlying concepts in place, consider the following three ways you can promote healthy amounts of value and appreciation within your relationship.

  1. Value your partner first. 
    Don’t wait for your partner to make the first move in patching up the relationship. In long-term relationships, it’s common for one or both of the individuals to get used to the day-to-day roles and responsibilities. They start to look at employment, housework, affection, and so on as just part of the drill. They start to feel entitled to the other person performing those tasks, and stop feeling the appreciation they originally felt when the relationship began.
    Where we used to revel in, and praise vehemently, a romantic gesture or help with a household task, we start to expect it. Start to identify and be grateful for the things your partner does for you directly, or indirectly. Write a list of all of the things he or she does to support you, your kids, and your home. Write down the traits that drew you to your partner in the first place and recognize the growth that has been made. Risk reaching out, even when you don’t feel like it. Say “thank you” for the small things.
  2. Do things worth valuing. 
    Every person is innately and unconditionally valuable; but think about the things, or people, that you value most in your life. Do they treat you like garbage? Are they things that hold no intrinsic or sentimental value? The answer is “no.” People value others that have helped, strengthened, and supported them the most. They value things that have memories attached to them, or things that help them acquire what they like and need.
    The book “The Five Love Languages” talks about different people having different love languages, or ways to feel and express love and appreciation. You may be speaking a different love language than your partner. This is important to remember, because the things you value may not always be the things that your partner values. Seek out ways to show appreciation that are valuable to your partner. You may have to do something different, something new, something other than your usual everyday responsibilities; but in doing this, you do things that are worth valuing to your partner.
  3. Express needs and feelings without attacking.
    Listen, Listen, Listen! Listening is the key to great expression and conversation. When we understand others we can express our needs in ways that work along with them, instead of against them. Own your own feelings of feeling undervalued and ask for suggestions of things you can do together to feel more valued and appreciated, rather than making accusatory statements like, “You don’t value me! You don’t even like me anymore!”

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In order for relationships to work, and in order to gain mutual satisfaction, it’s important for both parties to feel valued. If this issue becomes chronic, it shouldn't be something to just skip over and think, “this will pass.” Take an active role in finding ways to value your partner, and in turn, increase your partner's appreciation of you.


Disclaimer: Abuse is not the same as feeling undervalued. If your partner is physically harming you, call 911 and have a safety plan in place. If your partner is verbally or emotionally abusive (threatening, swearing and name calling, degrading or shaming, and overly controlling, or often throws items or breaks things for intimidation, etc.), seek more extensive professional help immediately.

What do you think?

3 Ways to Get Your Partner to Value YOU!

Tell us what you think!


  1. Yang says:

    Thank you for this article. I been waiting for my husband to make the first move, but because of this article I begun to realized why is should wait. So, now I’m excited to make the first move.

  2. Kari says:

    I’m having the same problems with doing EVERYTHING and feeling very unappreciated with everybody just expecting that if it’s not done, I’ll eventually just do it myself. I wonder if sitting down with my husband and simply asking him what he wants out of life and this marriage instead of blowing up or bottling up my frustrations. I’m a mom of 4, and when it feels one-sided, I think it’s time for a heart-to-heart. Very informative article.

    • Megan Klay says:

      We’re glad to hear you found this article helpful, Kari! In my experience, communication is always best. If I’m feeling overwhelmed, always try to ask my husband to help and specify what I need help with. He can’t read my mind and won’t know what he can do to alleviate my stress if I don’t tell him! Good luck with creating open lines of communication with your husband and him hearing that you need support!

  3. CHIQUITA says:


  4. Jessika says:

    Our biggest issue is getting the other to really show how much they appreciate the other. We say it all the time but sometimes we have to stop and remember to show them how much we appreciate what the other does. Good article.

  5. Paula says:

    Since my daughter was born I see that my husband and I are so apart now. I will try to do what the article says.

  6. Michelle says:

    I absolutly agree!!

  7. IrisLee says:

    I agree very much

  8. Darlynn says:

    I’m glad and strongly agreed with this article about abusive in any relationship should call 911 or need to.seen an professional..I like that

  9. Grace says:

    finally my spouse says he wants counseling again- he has ptsd

  10. Andy says:

    Thanks Eby and everybody for your comments. I appreciate the fact that things often feel very one sided and that can make things very difficult to continue to act in ways that promote healthy interaction and encourage your partner to value you. We’ve got to search for little victories and ways things are getting better and act how we would like to be treated rather than just reacting in ways that foster discouragement and validation of ill feelings. Thanks.

  11. EbyMom says:

    Appreciation matters a lot in every relationship. We should learn to say thank you at all times. We should also respect our partners and be good listeners although many times it seems to be one-sided but don’t relent in strengthening your relationship. I agree with this article on any abusive relationship call 911 immediately and also inform one or two members of your family if possible.

  12. Yannette says:

    i thing i need to work on this i agree….

  13. Roma Lee says:

    I agree with the 3rd way!

  14. AspenXIzzard says:

    I really have to get better at listening. But otherwise I agree at this.


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