Stuff Dude Moms Say.

dudemom says 1
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DudeMom says: No, it’s fine to say penis. You just can’t shout, PENIS.

Especially not when we’re at Panera. During the dinner rush. While we dine with your grandparents.

mexican wrestlers
Image via Amanda Rodiguez

DudeMom says: It’s not a mask. It’s a cup. 

NOOOOO, not for drinking. For, like, protecting your junk.

dudemom says 7
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DudeMom says: Never get up from the couch and walk outside to pee again. 

You’re not a puppy, you’re a person. Or, you’re almost a person. Ugh, one day I hope you will act more like a person and less like a puppy. There. I said it.

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DudeMom says: I swear on Santa that if you finger gun anyone at church, we will have issues. 

And, by finger gun, I also mean stick gun, pen gun, rolled-up-paper-program gun, and Bible gun? How did you make a gun out of the Bible? Why would you make a gun out of the Bible?!

kid standing on table
Image via Amanda Rodriguez

DudeMom says: Everything is not meant to be jumped from.

Or on. Or over. Or through. Or FROM.

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dudemom says 8
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DudeMom says: No, I don’t know who made up underwear, but I think you’re wrong about them doing it to torture people.

They did it so that when you go to gymnastics all of the kids in your class don’t have to look at your junk dangling out of your shorts. It’s only funny to you. SO PUT THE UNDERWEAR ON, OR WE’RE NOT GOING.

dudemom says 2
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DudeMom says: I think a fart war is a remarkably bad idea, actually.

I don’t even know what a fart war is. I don’t need you to show me. In fact, I forbid you from showing me.

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DudeMom says: If it involves blowing something up, I am probably going to say no.

I know you saw it on YouTube so you “know it will work.”  And sure, I appreciate that it’s science, but I’m not digging a hole in the backyard, because you don’t need to try it on a “larger scale.”  I admire your ingenuity, but I also enjoy my grass. Also, what are you watching on YouTube? Showmerightnow.

dudemom says 3
Image via Amanda Rodriguez

DudeMom says: Use the stairs. PROPERLY.

Don’t slide down the banister. Don’t climb over the banister. Don’t jump from the top. Don’t slide down feet first. Don’t slide down face first. Don’t let your brother drag you down. Walk. Down. The. Stairs.

dudemom blog
Image via Amanda Rodriguez

DudeMom says: I know you love me more than every single superhero on the planet.

Same here, Dude.

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Stuff Dude Moms Say.

Amanda has been wowing the Internet since 2008 when she launched her pretty-much-useless guide for parents, parenting BY dummies. As it turns out, her parenting advice is not generally useful for more than a good laugh, but sometimes that’s exactly what you need! Amanda spends her offline time (which is embarrassingly limited) running a photography business, working as a social media director for a local magazine, writing freelance ... More

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3 comments

  1. Profile photo of Aliya Aliya says:

    my life summarized lmao

  2. Profile photo of Dianne Dianne says:

    My son jumped from, to, on over or into almost anything. He loved jumping into piles of stuff. Laundry, leaves, pillows, cushions from the couch, I lived in mortal fear that there was a pitchfork hidden under the next pile of whatever he happened to be jumping into, hay, straw, bouncy balls, etc.

  3. Profile photo of pumpkin pumpkin says:

    food is for eating, not for throwing… or sticking in mommys hair… or on the cats

    oh yes of course i look beautiful with graham cracker in my hair… thanks -_-

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