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Sleepy Marriages: The Importance of Shut-Eye for Relationships & Parenting
Author: Dr. Rhona Berens, PhD, CPCC, Founder of Parent Alliance®
It’s a bit of a cliché for experienced moms to counsel first-time expectant mothers on the importance of grabbing as much postpartum shut-eye as possible. Doing so facilitates recovery from childbirth and helps new moms find energy for breastfeeding and infant-care.
Yet sleep, or the absence of it, isn’t solely relevant to new moms. It turns out there’s a bi-directional flow between a couple’s sleep quality and their relationship quality. In other words, relationship satisfaction can positively impact sleep, and sleep problems can negatively impact relationship happiness.
This phenomenon is noteworthy, not only as it affects parental relationships, but also as it impacts parenting. Research shows there’s a link between relationship satisfaction and positive parenting behaviors; which in turn, support healthy infant and child development. Bottom line: whether new to parenting or veterans at it, both moms and dads need quality sleep to function well as individuals, as a couple, and as parents.
Recognizing the importance of sleep is, of course, different then actually finding the time to sleep, never mind sleeping well. Still, whether you’re expecting, a new mom, or parenting a toddler, crafting a “sleep strategy” with your spouse is well worth the effort.
Why bother? For starters, a 2011 study from the University of Michigan found that working moms were 2.5 times more likely than working dads to interrupt slumber to take care of babies and kids. Plus, the research showed that, on average, moms’ sleep interruptions lasted longer, especially if their kids were infants.
This imbalance wasn’t limited to dual incomes families. According to Sarah Burgard, one of the study’s authors, “Gender differences in night-time care-giving remain, even after adjusting for employment status, income, and education….28 percent of women who are the sole breadwinner report getting up at night to take care of their children, compared to just 4 percent of men who are the only earner in the couple.”
All of this data is important, not only because childcare roles are among the Top 3 issues parents argue about (money and kids are the other two), but also because, according to the 2008 National Survey of Marital Strengths, the single most significant issue to distinguish happy-couples-with-kids from unhappy-couples-with-kids is how satisfied spouses are with sharing child-rearing and parenting.
Interestingly, research shows that, on average, same-sex couples, and lesbian parents in particular, don’t exhibit significant childcare inequities. By contrast, in dual-income heterosexual households, moms tend to perform anywhere from 3 to 4 times the number of childcare duties as dads.
All of this suggests that a Sleep Strategy is crucial for couples intent on parenting well and preserving their relationship satisfaction. While it’s always best to tailor strategies to the unique qualities and needs of your relationship, here are a few ideas:
- Develop a sleep interruption policy with your spouse—who gets up when, how often, etc.—that recognizes the importance of quality sleep for both of you, and for your relationship satisfaction, whether you work inside or outside the home.
- Support each other’s efforts to get peaceful slumber as often as possible, even if that sometimes means sleeping separately.
- If you opt for co-sleeping, check in with your spouse regularly to evaluate how well the practice is working for you as individuals, for your child, and for your relationship as a couple.
While it might be hard to find time to strategize about sleep, doing so is a testament to your commitment to your wellbeing, as well as the wellbeing of your relationship and family.
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