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How to Handle Fatigue and Exhaustion: Ideas for Parents of Infants and Toddlers
Author: Dr. Anna Kaplan
All parents of young children get tired. All parents of young children get frustrated. Many don't know what to do, and may get the feeling of being at their "wit's end." They may feel like they can't take anymore, and are being bad parents.
When you are exhausted, everything looks worse. You are also more likely to make bad decisions when you are exhausted. To be a good parent, you have to take care of yourself. That includes getting enough sleep, and enough rest or a change of scenery.
Here are some tips. Some are for both mom and dad; others are for the mothers. While moms usually lose the most sleep with a newborn, dad may be working all day and still be up a lot at night because his wife and baby are awake. Dad may not be able to nap during the day. Dads and moms need to figure out how to maximize rest and sleep for everyone.
Practical tips:
Take offered help. If your mother or mother-in-law wants to stay with you when the baby is born, let her help. Of course, if you don't get along or don't believe she can help you, but will need looking after herself, feel free to say no. Maybe you have a sister who really can help.
Ask for advice. The nurses in postpartum at the hospital can help you learn how to breastfeed. The pediatrician can give you specific medical information. Other mothers can share their wisdom with you. Take what you need; discard what you don't.
Don't try and do it all. If you are breastfeeding, you are going to be doing a lot. Maybe dad can pick up the baby and bring her to you, then put her back down afterwards. He can change diapers.
Sleep when you can. When your newborn sleeps, you sleep. Don't use the time to do other work. Learn to nap during the day with her. You can also use this time to shower or eat or do something else for yourself. Remember, the baby will sleep through the night eventually. Even babies with colic outgrow it. You will feel a lot better when you can sleep all night.
Let the house get dirty. Don't worry about it. If someone wants to help you out and clean your house, great. Otherwise, let it wait.
Adult time
Let someone else watch the baby. Once your milk is in, you can use a breast pump and leave a bottle for someone else to give. Get out of the house and do something for yourself. Or, you and your husband can let a family member or trusted friend watch the baby and you can go out together.
Make sure to get adult time. If you are staying at home and dealing with a baby and/or toddler or older children all day, you are going to forget what it's like to be around adults. This does not just mean telling your husband what the kids did when he gets home. You need to spend time with other adults talking about adult topics.
Adult time includes intimate time with your spouse. That may be the last thing on your mind, or it might be the first thing on your mind. You should not have sex after delivering your baby until your obstetrician says it's okay, but you can have special alone time together.
Taking care of mom
Don't forget your own checkups and medical care. Go to your postpartum checkup. Tell the doctor if you are very tired. It may be appropriate for the doctor to check you for anemia, low thyroid, and other treatable medical problems that can come on after the baby is born and make you more tired.
Don't forget your emotional needs. If you are feeling blue or depressed along with being exhausted, you need to talk about it. You also need to tell your doctor. Postpartum depression or "baby blues" are real and can be treated. If this is not your first baby and it happened to you before, it may happen again.
Make sure you have a doctor for yourself. Once you are done with your obstetrician, you need an internist or a family physician to take care of you.
Even though you are tired, you need regular cardiovascular exercise. Once you are cleared by your doctor, start walking or running, or slowly get back into your old exercise routine. If you don't have one, you need one, not just for now, but for life. Regular exercise does not make you tired, it gives you more energy.
Try and space your pregnancies apart. Getting pregnant right away is not good for the mom or the next baby. Make sure your body has recovered.
What about work outside the home?
If you feel better staying at home, try and stay home as long as you can. Use all your sick leave and vacation time. Try and save up vacation time beforehand if you can. Know your employer's policy. The Family Leave Act protects your job for 12 weeks. In some states, you may be able to collect disability income for 6 weeks. Know how much money your family needs.
Think about going back to work, if you were working. For some women, staying at home with a young baby who can do nothing but feed, cry, and make dirty diapers is very, very draining. You may think it should be the happiest time ever, but often it isn't. You should not feel guilty if you want a break. Sometimes going to work, maybe a few half days a week, can make you feel much better and less exhausted. You are more ready to deal with baby problems, and happier to see your baby.
As your child gets older
Consider preschool. Even if you don't need your child to be in preschool, taking her there can be good for both of you. It gives you time to rest, recharge, and do adult things. It is also good for her to learn to be with other children. This is especially true for your first child or an only child.
If things are not working out, consider switching roles. If dad is more comfortable caring for the baby or young child and mom would rather be working, try and figure out if you can make that work.
If you are planning another pregnancy, make sure you are healthy and ready. When you go into labor next time, someone will have to be taking care of your other child. If you get pregnant six months from your first child's birth, you have a higher chance of going into labor early with your next baby, so you may need even more help. Giving yourself around 18 months to recover is better all the way around. Remember what you learned with your first child.
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