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How to Deal with a Mother-In-Law That Drives You Crazy
Author: Stef Daniel
There are television shows and major motion pictures to deal with this very situation. The truth is that mother-in-laws are annoying enough once you get married – but add a baby to the mix and you just might be pushed over the edge. Still, if you give it time and follow a few simple strategies, you can make things at the very least tolerable. Who knows, after a few years, you might just learn to love her.
First of all, understand the situation. Chances are you and your mother-in-law are strong willed. However, try to see things from her perspective. She loves your spouse and her grandchildren, and wants to be involved in their lives. The one thing keeping her from being the matriarch is YOU. So, perhaps a little jealousy on her part is in order. While you shouldn’t simply excuse rudeness or being constantly belittled, you don’t have to engage in World War III over something that is obviously childish. If you can be the bigger person and swallow more than you chew – you will at the very least put karma on your side.
Another rule to dealing with your mother-in-law is to set boundaries in the beginning. Far too many people allow or appoint their mother-in-law to be in charge of the children all the time (as a full time babysitter), and then try to pull back those reins anytime they wish. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. If you want boundaries that keep your mother-in-law in her familial place, then you have to make concessions on your side as well. Set boundaries by being kind and respectful. Don’t demand she stay away, but rather make it clear that you are now your own family – and that it needs to be respected. If she is stepping into your ground, make sure to hold your spot as well as you can without crushing feelings or causing resentment.
It is okay to want time with your spouse and your children that doesn’t involve the in-laws. In fact, that is just healthy. If your mother-in-law doesn’t feel the need to call before she pops in, or she shows up at dinnertime with sweets for the kids just to make you look bad, choose a time to be clear that this won’t work for you. However, you also need to ensure that you allow her to be with your family on her terms as well (At least some of the time). Also, understand that if you share EVERYTHING with your mother-in-law, you are inviting her into your life. Try to keep your marital squabbles and troubles to yourself.
It would definitely be nice to have your spouse on your side when it comes to dealing with your mother-in-law. The most dangerous place to stand is between a mother and child, no matter how old the child is. However, if your spouse doesn’t see just how manipulative, conniving, belittling, and annoying your mother-in-law is, you may have to handle it yourself. If you feel that you are being disrespected, it is your place as an adult to stand up to it. Instead of confronting your mother-in-law, try to talk to her about it in a kind and respectful way. You may find that her actions are just out of fear of losing her place of importance in your spouse’s life. Make sure you don’t place blame and rather speak from a place of how you feel. This may give her a chance to explain herself as well.
Last but not least, give the relationship time to develop. It is annoying to have a mother-in-law that seems to know everything better than you do or who makes it a point to notice every mistake you make along the way. And while you may not want to admit it – there are probably many times that she is right and can be helpful to you. Chances are she is not going away any time soon, and you have a choice whether to allow her to make you miserable and angry, or just someone that makes you chuckle and gives you great stories to tell your friends. You and her, both mothers and wives loving the same people, may just have more in common than you know, and as the years roll by, it is these similarities that may bring you together. Then again, maybe they won’t.
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