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Having Second Thoughts of Fatherhood
When a friend of mine announced he and his wife were expecting their first child, I told him he could have saved time and trouble by borrowing one of mine – long term. He laughed and replied, “No thanks, I want to learn from my own mistakes.” We were joking around, but we both knew that this “parenting thing” doesn’t come easy. I doubt there is a man out there who has heard the words “I’m pregnant,” and not had doubts and misgivings in the back of his mind.
According to a study in the Clinical Social Work Journal, Dr. Luis Zayas says “In the first trimester, after the announcement of conception but before the pregnancy is visibly evident, the expectant father will struggle with the awareness of the demands that will follow the child's birth.” The idea of being a Dad, of being responsible for this tiny bundle’s life, is quite daunting. I remember having a minor existential crisis as I drove home from the hospital after my first child was born. Zayas describes it as “a psychologically turbulent period,” and the tension can come through in many ways.
Some dads feel threatened as their partner becomes the center of attention, while others bury themselves in work, subconsciously trying to prove they can provide for a family. However, the early stages of pregnancy are delicate for a woman’s state of mind, too. Clinical social worker Leonard Boulanger, author of An Expectant Dad’s Guide to Pregnancy, has a lot of experience with dads-to-be and recommends simply getting involved from the outset. This will both alleviate any feelings of isolation and provide the much needed support your partner will be looking for.
Some of the pressure men feel, which causes them to have second thoughts, is a result of their own expectations. According to Fathering: A Journal of Theory, Research, & Practice about Men as Fathers, most men either model their approach to being a Dad on their own father, or react against the example they grew up with, depending on how they feel about their childhood experience. This is really important to bear in mind because the cold feet you get might just be a reflection of your fear of repeating your own Dad’s mistakes, or your concern about your ability to live up to the legend you grew up with.
The central thing to remember is that it is quite normal to struggle with the idea of being a parent. What matters is how we choose to deal with the challenge. Researchers have compared the reactions of expectant fathers to the natural ‘fight or flight’ instinct. The crazy behavior of some guys in the delivery room is a derivative of “the biological emergency behaviors” we all share, spilling over in unhealthy ways because they have been bottled up for nine months without being addressed.
Instead of waiting to explode, or running for the hills, dads-to-be need to find someone they can safely talk to. It could be a friend, a sibling, or even an in-law that you feel close with – anyone you trust who has kids and can give you a better perspective. If the tension is affecting your ability to function or relate to those around you in a healthy way, it could be appropriate to find a counselor to work through some of the issues the pregnancy is creating. Whatever the method, it is vital you try to look beyond the questions you are asking yourself to why you are asking them. Address those deeper concerns that are the source of the stress before they derail your relationship with both your partner and your child.
No parent is perfect, and we all make mistakes. The key is to stick at it, and that starts before the baby first sees daylight. Talk to your partner and people you trust about your hopes and fears. Accept your thoughts and deal with them so you can get on with the job of being ready for the baby. You have nine months, give or take, to get there, so buckle up and enjoy the ride!
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