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for the past 2 months i have been in a nonstop fight with the baby's father, he doesnt want to contribute and he critizes everything i do. everything for the baby shower is homemade form food to decorations and there is nothing i can do or say to make him take an interest in this at all. he expects me to get up at 5am and help him find clothes for work and make his lunch and then he fusses if its not right. I am almost 29 weeks pregnant and he has contributed $30 and has been to one doctors appt. i dont know how to make him see i cant do this by myself and he has to help in more than one way. if anyone can give me some advice it would be greatly appeciated.
Most advice is some that you personally don't want to hear, but is definitely needed. Now with that said, I'll tell you a little story. I am 18w2d pregnant, this is the father's first child. I am the first woman in his life that he has ever gotten pregnant. He hasn't been to one NOT ONE doctor's appt, he avoids me on purpose (per his own words), he doesn't call to check on me or even asks what the doctor said during the appt (which I keep him fully informed on). He totally disregards my feelings and completely disrespects my wishes. Now I said all that to say this: if you have to you can do it without his help. I am in no way saying leave him or anything like that, but right now everything YOU do YOUR baby depends on you for. YOUR baby knows your voice, YOUR heartbeat, YOUR everything.
Some people say that a woman becomes a mother as soon as she finds out she's pregnant and a man becomes a father when he holds his child. BULL!!!! The moment the stick turns positive both parties are at that very moment PARENTS!!! It will all work out, don't stress yourself because of the lack of concern that is being showed from the father. YOU have to do all you can to make sure YOU and YOUR baby are HEALTHY.
Sorry it was so long, but I hoped this has helped in some way!!!
it definitly helped i have been thinking about telling him we needed a break anyway to re-evaluate the situation because my parents are very supportive with everything and they can help me every step of the way, my mom has been to every doctors appt and my dad calls right after to know what they said. so i think with their help i can do this very well without him.
You say he expects you to get up & pick his clothes out/ get his lunch ready... first, what a baby! You're not his mother, he should be able to clothe himself for crying out loud! - second, you should tell him that until he starts to support you, you will not be giving him all this support.
I don't think its unreasonable to come up with a list of things you each need or expect from the other, and to go over it and come to an understanding of what both of you are comfortable with. Both partners should make sure their needs are being met; if only one is getting everything and givng nothing, then you're guaranteed to be unhappy.
I know my husband and I had to find our footing again when we had our first son because while we were great as a couple, our system had flaws as parents until we workedout what each other expected and were willing to compromise on. I really wanted him to b the stay at home parent, he refused, we worked on things and came to an agreement. Things got pretty tense, and little bs arguments were a daily thing, even though those thIngs weren'tt he point. It took sitting down and listing our must haves and wants, then trying to reconcile the ones that didn't line up.
it definitly helped i have been thinking about telling him we needed a break anyway to re-evaluate the situation because my parents are very supportive with everything and they can help me every step of the way, my mom has been to every doctors appt and my dad calls right after to know what they said. so i think with their help i can do this very well without him.
Posted by lauren
Lauren,
I do not think that taking "a break" will help the situation, especially if you are pregnant. That would only push him farther away as a father to your child. I read an article on here the other day that says everybody goes through this during pregnancy and that it is just a part of life. What you can try doing is telling him what you told us on the forum. Then if you aren't seeing eye to eye you will know he doesn't really care. But talking is always a first and a must.
Sweetheart, I am 24 and getting ready to have my fifth baby in Dec. I have four different babys fathers and all but the last one have abandoned their children. I don't recieve child support(even though its court ordered.) Bt the worst part is they live in the same city and my daughter who is now seven never even see's her daddy. Men are not emotionally attached to their babies the way that we are already programed to be. It hurts that for my children I am the only one that hugs them, dresses them, feeds them, prays for them, disciplines them..there is no love from their fathers. They are all older men with enough sense and understanding to at least provide contact with their kids, but its not at all important. I used to chase them down and try to force them to visit my babies..but its not worth it. U have to love yourrself and your baby enough to NEVERMIND what the fathers do. that is why they say MAMAS BABY..DADDYS MAYBE...maybe they will..maybe they wont.
I know its not what you want to hear but I would take a break. You have to worry about you and baby right now. HE needs to grow the heck up and realize that he is not your priority, BABY IS. Fighting is understandable because having a child is a huge change in both of your lives however, stress is not good for the baby. This is the time in the relationship for him to focus on you, take care of you, maybe make you a lunch now and then. He is acting like he is the baby, you dont need that.
With that said, I should also point out that Guys dont always understand how important baby showers are and our emotions during this time are but that also doesnt mean he doesnt care. My guy hasnt been to any of my appointments yet, hes scared that there is going to be something wrong and I can tell and maybe thats part of your guys issue but on the other hand, my guy does everything he can to support me outside of the appointments such as helping with chores, dinner, finances etc, you should talk to your guy and let him know where you stand and what hes at stake of losing
talking to him about it would be all well and good except i have and i have even went to dss and got a pamphlet that says in south carolina if we are not married when the baby is born he basically has no rights and i have threatened to go talk to them about what i would have to do so he wouldnt be able to see the baby, because its not just the fighting, he uses his money on beer and then doesnt offer to help in anyway and i have told him multiple times that a baby is not free and we have to work on saving money and since i can work right now i baby sit my moms friends kids and she pays me $100 and he expects me to give him that when he runs out of money he doesnt plan ahead like i do, i have to make lists for everything and he just rolls with the punchs and you cant do that with a baby on the way.
I know its not what you want to hear but I would take a break. You have to worry about you and baby right now. HE needs to grow the heck up and realize that he is not your priority, BABY IS. Fighting is understandable because having a child is a huge change in both of your lives however, stress is not good for the baby. This is the time in the relationship for him to focus on you, take care of you, maybe make you a lunch now and then. He is acting like he is the baby, you dont need that.
With that said, I should also point out that Guys dont always understand how important baby showers are and our emotions during this time are but that also doesnt mean he doesnt care. My guy hasnt been to any of my appointments yet, hes scared that there is going to be something wrong and I can tell and maybe thats part of your guys issue but on the other hand, my guy does everything he can to support me outside of the appointments such as helping with chores, dinner, finances etc, you should talk to your guy and let him know where you stand and what hes at stake of losing
Im sorry hun but I think you should go to your parents, he sounds like a man child and when this baby comes you wont have time to take care of him and the baby. He needs to grow up and help take care of his baby. I love that your parents are so supportive so you are not alone it will make things so much easier for you, I would say leave for a time see how he reacts it might force him to step up. I wish you all the luck in the world and a safe delivery of a healthy baby .
Im 18 years old with a 6 week old beautiful baby boy. I just wanted to let you know you are not the only one who has baby daddy struggles. There are millions of women out there going through exactly what you are going through and in even much harsher conditions. I found out i was pregnant at age 17...I was in the custody of social services at the time for severe abuse as a child. When i found out i was pregnant, my boyfriend who was 21 at the time was scared but he agreed to let me make the decision to keep it or abort. i decided i wanted my child as i am against abortion. Weeks went by and everything was fine...when my 2nd month hit...things became rocky but were still good..out of nowhere he cheated on me while i was 3 months pregnant...he said it was because he felt like he was being tied down for the rest of his life now and he just needed to sleep with another girl to feel better. he said he didnt feel bad..and that i should just get over what he did. After that night he preasured me for a month to kill the baby...he didnt contribute a cent..he never came to any doctors appointment...everytime i was tired or sick..(i had a lot of health complications durring my pregnancy) he would yell and tell me too suck it up cause its my fault i didnt just get an abortion. He never even touched my belly because he thought "it looked gross and scared him"...i was emotionally and verbally abused for the whole pregnancy and a few weeks after our son was born. he only stayed one night at the hospital with me. thats AFTER missing half of my labor...and left..my family by all means is highly dissapointed in their 18 year old child with a child, so needless to say i got NO help from anyone. i had to drop out of college and i worked full time my entire pregnancy just to support my son...now im back at work and recieving no pay from the father. he has not contacted me in weeks to ask about his son. and he has only seen him twice since his birth. so heres the moral of the story..everythings going to be ok. living as a single mother (even though were still "together") has made me realize how much i love my son. how much you dont need a man in the picture. every day that goes by, i get stronger and wiser. if your significant other is doing nothing but making you significantly miserable. then youre better off raising your child without him. Things will fall into place eventually. and youll have a beautiful child to help you get through everything along the journey. Good luck and best regards
truth is you already know what you need ta do but you're looking for someone to tell you to stay bc that's what you really wanna do but you need ta go.......you need ta take a little responsibility for this situation also because I'm pretty sure he had poor money management before you gt pregnant by him & I'm pretty sure he was the same rude a* man he is nw you should've been leaving a long time ago..your problem is that you're trying to raise him..that's what his mother is for stp babying him..& why would you even want to stay with a man if you have to threaten to take their child away to get them them to act right..think abt if you have a daughter..is this the kinda behavior you want ta teach her is acceptable frm a man..is this the kinda behavior you want your son to mimic.........if you have to sit & wonder if the relationship is worth keeping..then its time to stp sitting & start walking
are you my mother and stalking me online? i swear that is exactly what she would say if i tried to talk to her about this, im just afraid of doing this without him or pushing him out of the picture because even though he has bad money management skills his family doesnt and they would help him take the baby if it came down to it.
truth is you already know what you need ta do but you're looking for someone to tell you to stay bc that's what you really wanna do but you need ta go.......you need ta take a little responsibility for this situation also because I'm pretty sure he had poor money management before you gt pregnant by him & I'm pretty sure he was the same rude a* man he is nw you should've been leaving a long time ago..your problem is that you're trying to raise him..that's what his mother is for stp babying him..& why would you even want to stay with a man if you have to threaten to take their child away to get them them to act right..think abt if you have a daughter..is this the kinda behavior you want ta teach her is acceptable frm a man..is this the kinda behavior you want your son to mimic.........if you have to sit & wonder if the relationship is worth keeping..then its time to stp sitting & start walking
Posted by bh
im very sorry for what you are having to go through without support from anyone, if i knew you i would help in anyway possible, i just wanted my son to have both parents since i did and i dont know how to fix our problems since he doesnt want to fix this.
Im 18 years old with a 6 week old beautiful baby boy. I just wanted to let you know you are not the only one who has baby daddy struggles. There are millions of women out there going through exactly what you are going through and in even much harsher conditions. I found out i was pregnant at age 17...I was in the custody of social services at the time for severe abuse as a child. When i found out i was pregnant, my boyfriend who was 21 at the time was scared but he agreed to let me make the decision to keep it or abort. i decided i wanted my child as i am against abortion. Weeks went by and everything was fine...when my 2nd month hit...things became rocky but were still good..out of nowhere he cheated on me while i was 3 months pregnant...he said it was because he felt like he was being tied down for the rest of his life now and he just needed to sleep with another girl to feel better. he said he didnt feel bad..and that i should just get over what he did. After that night he preasured me for a month to kill the baby...he didnt contribute a cent..he never came to any doctors appointment...everytime i was tired or sick..(i had a lot of health complications durring my pregnancy) he would yell and tell me too suck it up cause its my fault i didnt just get an abortion. He never even touched my belly because he thought "it looked gross and scared him"...i was emotionally and verbally abused for the whole pregnancy and a few weeks after our son was born. he only stayed one night at the hospital with me. thats AFTER missing half of my labor...and left..my family by all means is highly dissapointed in their 18 year old child with a child, so needless to say i got NO help from anyone. i had to drop out of college and i worked full time my entire pregnancy just to support my son...now im back at work and recieving no pay from the father. he has not contacted me in weeks to ask about his son. and he has only seen him twice since his birth. so heres the moral of the story..everythings going to be ok. living as a single mother (even though were still "together") has made me realize how much i love my son. how much you dont need a man in the picture. every day that goes by, i get stronger and wiser. if your significant other is doing nothing but making you significantly miserable. then youre better off raising your child without him. Things will fall into place eventually. and youll have a beautiful child to help you get through everything along the journey. Good luck and best regards
i wanted my son to have both parents too. i wanted a family. but i think any child who grew up in a stressful household where the parents arent peachy with each other will be able to tell you that they would have been happier if their parents werent together in the first place. you have to do whats best fo you and your child. even if it means taking a step back and letting your babydaddy now its now or never to make things right. pregnancy runs on time limit. he doesnt have forever to get his act straight. and needless to say, a father has nothing to do with who donated the sperm to make the baby. a father needs to EARN that title. and i know this sucks to hear..but sometimes a step daddy can be more of a father than the biological one...everything happens for a reason. So there IS a reason for this, and there is a solution. its up to you to make the best choice for you and your son. not you your son and his father. he can be apart of the decision making when he proves he wants to be apart of your childs life.
Taking a break may be your best bet, even if it ends up only being for a week or so. I kept telling my BF I needed help, support, etc. and he never did those things so I went to my dads doing what I felt what was best for me and my son. I rarely talked to him except to ask if he wanted to come over to see his son. A week later he was at my dad's house willing to talk and try to work things out. good luck :)
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