What To Really Expect When You’re Expecting
Saturday, September 21st, 2013
Every pregnant woman has heard of the infamous “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” books, right?
Well, to be completely honest with you, I have never actually read any of those books, even though I’ve been pregnant three times…
But I can tell you one thing for sure. And that’s that if I were to write my own book on pregnancy, it read a little more like something that would tell you what to really expect when you’re expecting…
Congrats! You are now officially preggers! Except your doctor will now attempt to confuse you with all sorts of dates that seem a bit like magic trickery because you got pregnant at two weeks into your cycle, but didn’t find out until two weeks later, but there is always a two-week window for error, and some women’s cycles are all screwy, which means by the time you typically find out you are pregnant, you are a whole month pregnant, except your baby is only technically two weeks gestational age. So congrats! You’re a month pregnant! They think. Maybe. Well, most likely anyways. So enjoy a whole pregnancy during which you’re confused on how far you are actually pregnant, yay!
Do you like mashed potatoes? Well, you should! They are the perfect food to eat when you will face the horrific no man’s land of feeling nauseous if you don’t eat, but puking every time you eat. It’s a sad day when you start planning what to eat so you can puke it up later. Morning sickness is fun, right?
“Is that so-and-so? Wow, did she get fat or is she pregnant?” Ahh, month three. That magical time of pregnancy when people can’t tell if you’re actually pregnant or just quite fond of donuts.
Well, you’re into your second trimester of pregnancy by now and if you haven’t already announced your pregnancy, it’s probably time to do so. Unfortunately, in today’s world of wittiness and social media, you best have something incredibly cute planned to announce that baby or you’re just another lost pregnancy announcement post, my friend.
Finally! The puking-every-time-you-breathe phase is subsiding. Unfortunately, it is soon to be replaced with the my-belly-is-so-itchy-I’m-afraid-I-will-scratch-my-baby phase. Seriously, the first time you are standing out in public and realize that everyone is staring at you because you are ferociously scratching at your belly like a fiend may be a bit disconcerting, but trust me, you’re completely normal. (They’re the weird ones, not you, ha!)
This is the one and only month that you will actually have a shot of rocking a cute pregnancy look. After this month, it’s all downhill into the walrus stage. Sure, pregnancy is always beautiful, but the cute-while-pregnant stage only goes so far. Sorry.
Is your back supposed to hurt this much? Did you suddenly become a 100-year-old woman overnight? Why can’t you walk normally without feeling like your baby is hanging to your knees? Will you always pee your pants when you sneeze? Allow me to assure you: all pregnant women feel like this. But most pretend not to because we’re all secretly afraid that we’re the only ones feeling like we hate everything about pregnancy (besides the baby) at this point. Pregnancy glow anyone?
This month is all about getting ready. And not for the baby, of course, but for the 10,000 inevitable times you will be assaulted this month some version of the following: 1) “Didn’t you have that kid yet??” 2) “Wow, you look ready to pop!” 3) “Are you sure you aren’t having twins??”
Also, you have my permission to say completely inappropriate things to people who insist on saying these things. Blame it on the hormones.
I’ll just warn you now. There is no rest for the weary this month. You will question if every twinge in your abdomen is a contraction marking the start of labor, you will wonder if every time you nearly pee your pants is really your water breaking and you will examine the toilet every time you go to the bathroom in anxious fear that you didn’t accidentally birth your baby. Hey, it happens on those shows all the time, right?
What would you add to the list?