What To Really Expect When You’re Expecting

pregnancy
Image via J & J Brusie Photography (Florida)

Every pregnant woman has heard of the infamous “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” books, right?

Well, to be completely honest with you, I have never actually read any of those books, even though I’ve been pregnant three times…

But I can tell you one thing for sure. And that’s that if I were to write my own book on pregnancy, it read a little more like something that would tell you what to really expect when you’re expecting…

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Month one. 

Congrats! You are now officially preggers! Except your doctor will now attempt to confuse you with all sorts of dates that seem a bit like magic trickery because you got pregnant at two weeks into your cycle, but didn’t find out until two weeks later, but there is always a two-week window for error, and some women’s cycles are all screwy, which means by the time you typically find out you are pregnant, you are a whole month pregnant, except your baby is only technically two weeks gestational age. So congrats! You’re a month pregnant! They think. Maybe. Well, most likely anyways. So enjoy a whole pregnancy during which you’re confused on how far you are actually pregnant, yay!

Image via FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Month two. 

Do you like mashed potatoes? Well, you should! They are the perfect food to eat when you will face the horrific no man’s land of feeling nauseous if you don’t eat, but puking every time you eat. It’s a sad day when you start planning what to eat so you can puke it up later. Morning sickness is fun, right?

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Image via FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Month three.

“Is that so-and-so? Wow, did she get fat or is she pregnant?” Ahh, month three. That magical time of pregnancy when people can’t tell if you’re actually pregnant or just quite fond of donuts. 

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Image via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Month four. 

Well, you’re into your second trimester of pregnancy by now and if you haven’t already announced your pregnancy, it’s probably time to do so. Unfortunately, in today’s world of wittiness and social media, you best have something incredibly cute planned to announce that baby or you’re just another lost pregnancy announcement post, my friend. 

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Image via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Month five. 

Finally! The puking-every-time-you-breathe phase is subsiding. Unfortunately, it is soon to be replaced with the my-belly-is-so-itchy-I’m-afraid-I-will-scratch-my-baby phase. Seriously, the first time you are standing out in public and realize that everyone is staring at you because you are ferociously scratching at your belly like a fiend may be a bit disconcerting, but trust me, you’re completely normal. (They’re the weird ones, not you, ha!)

Image via FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Month six. 

This is the one and only month that you will actually have a shot of rocking a cute pregnancy look. After this month, it’s all downhill into the walrus stage. Sure, pregnancy is always beautiful, but the cute-while-pregnant stage only goes so far.  Sorry. 

Image via FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Month seven

Is your back supposed to hurt this much? Did you suddenly become a 100-year-old woman overnight? Why can’t you walk normally without feeling like your baby is hanging to your knees? Will you always pee your pants when you sneeze? Allow me to assure you: all pregnant women feel like this. But most pretend not to because we’re all secretly afraid that we’re the only ones feeling like we hate everything about pregnancy (besides the baby) at this point. Pregnancy glow anyone? 

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Image via FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Month eight

This month is all about getting ready. And not for the baby, of course, but for the 10,000 inevitable times you will be assaulted this month some version of the following: 1) “Didn’t you have that kid yet??” 2) “Wow, you look ready to pop!” 3) “Are you sure you aren’t having twins??” 

Also, you have my permission to say completely inappropriate things to people who insist on saying these things. Blame it on the hormones. 

Image via J & J Brusie Photography
Image via J & J Brusie Photography

Month nine

I’ll just warn you now. There is no rest for the weary this month. You will question if every twinge in your abdomen is a contraction marking the start of labor, you will wonder if every time you nearly pee your pants is really your water breaking and you will examine the toilet every time you go to the bathroom in anxious fear that you didn’t accidentally birth your baby. Hey, it happens on those shows all the time, right?

{ MORE:  How to Survive the Last Month of Pregnancy }

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What To Really Expect When You’re Expecting

Chaunie Brusie is a coffee mug addict, a labor and delivery nurse turned freelance writer, and a young(ish) mom of four. She is the author of Tiny Blue Lines: Preparing For Your Baby, Moving Forward In Faith, & Reclaiming Your Life In An Unplanned Pregnancy and The Moments That Made You A Mother. She also ... More

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7 comments

  1. Profile photo of Amber727 Amber727 says:

    The only thing I’d add to the list is the heartburn!! Before I got pregnant, I never had heartburn, but around seven or eight months it wouldn’t quit!!

  2. Profile photo of Kym Kym says:

    I am enjoying the WTE book, but this is really funny (and I know…it’s all true). 27 weeks…

  3. Profile photo of Melody Melody says:

    I really enjoyed reading this. so much of everything said was true. more articles like this would be awesome

  4. Profile photo of Ciara Ciara says:

    This is hilarious and so true! lmbo… I’m in month 8 btw 🙂 :-/

  5. Profile photo of Rachel Rachel says:

    Good ones. I was super lucky that I only got sick 1 time thus far in my pregnancy (month 2 at a bar-projectile vomiting-oh the embarrassment). I have to say I HATE with a passion the WTE books. I think they are written like a dictionary, not anything most pregnant women want to even read. It is beyond boring. At least give me the knowledge in a fun to read format. Any other book suggestions, because I haven’t gotten past page 2 on either of those.

  6. Profile photo of Rebekah Rebekah says:

    I loved the WTE books while expecting my first child. I had no idea what to expect, what questions to ask my doctor, or anything.

  7. Profile photo of nichole nichole says:

    i LOVE month one!!!!!!

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