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The Horrors of Halloween
I have a pretty intense love-hate relationship with Halloween.
Probably not for any of the reasons you think.
The candy? I love the candy.
I even have this awesome system where I buy the really gross, cheap candy to give out (you know the kind no one really wants, like Bazooka and Tootsie Rolls) that I am in no danger of eating myself. Then, when The Dudes go out trick-or-treating in our overly generous hood (do you know that some people give out full sized candy bars?! FULL SIZED!), I take all of the good chocolates out, eat those, and give The Dudes what’s left. Which is usually the Bazooka and Tootsie rolls that no one, including my children, really wants to eat.
No need to worry about their teeth or their waistlines or their blood sugar making them go all nutty or anything.
I do it for their health really. And safety. They still think that they are going to bite into their Babe Ruth and find a syringe or something.
Okay, I’m kidding. I don’t eat all of the good stuff,
just the majority of it, they get to pick a few to enjoy as well and I don’t think they even know what a syringe is. But, they do know their candy has to be inspected for “poison” and they never get to eat the pieces that come from “that one house”.
Point is, it’s not the candy that bugs me.
Or the décor. I love that too. We host a party for our neighborhood every year. We deck out the house, I get dressed up (I was Katy Perry last year, gonna be Michael Jackson this time), we have a blast; with spooky music, and smoke machines, and strobe lights. It’s like a rave in here on Halloween night!
I am in the midst of planning it now and I can’t wait to surprise everyone with this year’s theme (it’s Thriller, but shhhh, don’t tell them).
All of the things that parents usually don’t really like about Halloween don’t bother me at all. But what does is the kid’s costumes!
First, why do they cost so much? For a bit of ridiculously thin polyester stuffed with cotton muscles you want me to pay $40?! Why? It’s not even warm enough for them to trick-or-treat in which means I have to cover it with coat or attempt to stuff them and their clothing inside of this suit that tears easier than tissue paper and has zero stretch to it.
Ugh, I feel so ripped off by the Halloween costume industry every year. The glitter flakes off, the tails are droopy, the accessories don’t even make it through the night. So lame. Times that by three (one costume per Dude), and it’s even lamer.
And, sure, I’ve tried the whole creative costume thing. But, you all have seen what I make with these hands. Not cool. Plus, you try getting your 5th grader to go as a shower stall. You saw what happened to Daniel LaRusso in Karate Kid; no one wants to be that guy.
They want to be evil jester?!
Or, after you sink $40 into the random costume you tried to talk him out of multiple times while standing in a crowded aisle at K-Mart surrounded by other moms trying to do the exact same thing, he wears said evil costume around the house for a week and then decides that he’s just going to be a ghost instead. Using one of your old sheets.
At this point, you seriously consider showing him your scary costume: evil mom.
Amanda has been wowing the Internet since 2008 when she launched her pretty-much-useless guide for parents, parenting BY dummies. As it turns out, her parenting advice is not generally useful for more than a good laugh, but sometimes that’s exactly what you need! ...Read More