Moving Forward After Miscarriage
Tuesday, January 5th, 2016
Today marks the last day of the worst year of my life. 2015 was the year I lost my sweet angel baby, Autumn, at 7 weeks, 5 days gestation. Ask any mother who has experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or childbirth, and she will agree: losing a child cuts deep into your soul. It makes you question your own existence. It causes sleepless nights, anxiety, depression, withdrawal, and fear.
As 2015 ends, my feelings are all over the place. The morning I delivered Autumn in the bathroom of my house, alone and in pain, is a day I will never forget. Every minute is etched into my mind. Yet, as time moves forward, I, too, need to move forward. I will never be fully healed of my grief over the loss, but I am ready to feel utter joy again. Joy that lasts for more than a brief minute or hour. 2016 will be the year I find my personal joy because this journey of life is too difficult to travel without it.
It took me many, many months to finally have the courage to seek out professional help to cope with my grief. I was afraid that letting my guard down would mean letting go of what was lost forever. Through therapy sessions, I have learned that grief is normal. I have learned that there is healthy grieving and not-so-healthy grieving. Each day, I have a choice to find happiness, even when my heart is grieving for what will never be.
I will be honest: I am terrified of a new year. The anniversary of the day I found out that I would never hold my baby in my arms is fast approaching. November was my due date month, and it was a very challenging milestone month. So I imagine this upcoming milestone, the last milestone of the year, will be just as hard. I will build myself up and surround myself with those that will do the same. Until that day, let the love warm my heart, like the sunshine after days of endless rain.
Have you ever experienced the loss of a child? What helped you get through painful milestones?