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  Jeannie Fleming-Gifford

Monday, January 02, 2012 by Jeannie Fleming-Gifford

Conflict. It happens. Do you and your significant other ever argue in front of your child?

This weekend, I admit it. I was a grump. Perhaps it was too much holiday hoopla. Perhaps it is the fact that I long for a morning where the streaming bright sunshine wakes me vs. the 5:15am alarm that is my cat meowing, followed by the dogs, followed by one little girl calling "Maaaaa-maaaa." Perhaps it is that I want less work and more play. Perhaps I want simpler days. I want those people around me with health concerns to be okay.  Perhaps it is that I wanted to go to yoga. Perhaps it is that I wanted to clean my house and then for it to stay clean for more than a day. All in all, I know I am blessed. I haven't got a ton to be terribly cranky about, but sometimes, it just happens.

So, this weekend, with my grumpiness taking center stage, the hubby and I began to "discuss" the day's plans. It's about who needs what and what needs done.  We all have an agenda around here. The little one wants to be read to, then danced with, followed by art fun, which means every inch of the dining room floor will be covered in glitter. The hubby wants a Sunday morning coffee run, followed by some time to do a little woodworking. You've already read my desires for the weekend, and the grumpiness followed because of them.

What all this meant was a clash and compromise. It meant working through my crankiness and everyone's own ideas. This is the little stuff, though at times, it all feels very frustrating. As a result, the hubby and I have words about who needs what when, and how this and that will all be done. Sometimes, we raise our voices at one another. Sometimes, we are not so loving and kind. Sometimes, I am not the role model of a loving wife that I want my child to see.

Yes, we do argue in front of our child. (The "we" being the hubby and I.)

We've been married 17+ years. We welcomed the kiddo into our world after 13 years of marriage.

For the most part, it's been a very good ride.

We're not perfect though. We're honest and, occassionally, we hit our bumps in the road.

When you and your partner clash, do you work through it in front of your child?

Do you allow your child to see conflict between the two of you?

If so, what are the "rules?"

First of all, my hubby and I are not physical when we clash. There can be words. Mostly it's about what we want, need, and think. For us, It's about talking through the miscommunications that have occurred and finding a plan to make it work.

When done appropriately, I believe disagreeing in front of your little one and showing the process of resolution can be extremely helpful to a child in learning social-emotional behaviors and effective ways for resolving conflict.

When is it not right?

*If there is ever any violence involved. If there is, seek out help, both for you and your partner's safety, as well as your child's.

*When hurtful words are used. Working through conflict cannot be about blaming or shaming anyone.

*When the anger is overwhelming and focus on a solution is lost. When/if this is the case, everyone needs to take a break and walk away. 

Have you and your partner ever disagreed in front of your child?

How did you handle it?

How did your child handle it? What do you believe they learned as a result?

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