All the Sex You’re Not Having After Baby

Thursday, November 1st, 2012 by from Mom, Myself, & I

back off woman in bed

After giving birth, my libido was buried with my skinny jeans in the depths of my pre-pregnancy closet. Skinnies, like my sex drive, were a joke. If I had to list what came before a romp in the bedroom, it looked like this:

Things That Came Before Sex

·         Everything and anything

I think that about clears it up. I’m not proud that the horizontal mambo became an afterthought. Or, that vacuuming took precedence over bumping uglies. The thing is I never thought it would happen. Oh, how boastful I was about how a baby would never change my sex life. Nope, no way. Never.

Yep, totally changed it.

It got to the point where I faked sleep. As soon as I heard footsteps coming up the hallway, my eyes would shut and seal. Unless my partner had a crowbar, there was no way I planned on opening my eyes. And then I began referencing euphemisms for my lack of a sex life like: it’s just a “dry spell.” As if I needed a meteorologist in my bedroom to predict the forecast and barometric pressure for the next ten days.

My single friends were horrified. And I was too. What was the point of having a baby if I was certain I would never be able to make another one? You know, because of the self-imposed chastity belt I was wearing. As a holier-than-thou single, I would listen to sexless horror stories and shake my head. I loved my partner and thought him to be drop-dead sexy.

But the reality was sex was no longer a priority. Sleep felt just as good and, if I could get my hands on a book before I fell asleep? Bliss. Scratch that. If I could get my child to sleep without waking up during the night, angels with harps could be found dancing around my head.

Sex became another thing for me to get done and check off my to-do list, which is the exact opposite of sexy. Or romantic. Sex was supposed to be passionate and spontaneous. Yes, I already had the disheveled hair, but that was because the phone was ringing and the baby was crying and then the dog had to go outside and, did I mention, it was 100 degrees in August?

Rarely does life actually resemble a romantic comedy. If it did, I would be writing a sex column about wearing my Manolo Blahniks and living in Manhattan. This column is, just in case you were confused, about yoga pants, disheveled hair, and no sex. Emphasis on the latter. 

For me, my sex life got better as soon as I took the pressure off of myself. It took me years – which sounds like a jail sentence – but my libido came back. Sex, for me, was just like riding a bike: you never forget how it’s done. 

And with that, I’m going to end this with a frisky bicycle reference. 

What do you think? All the Sex You’re Not Having After Baby

Liz HenryAuthor

Liz Henry is the irreverent voice behind the award-winning blog The Six Year Itch. She lives with her daughter and her partner, Slasher, in Philadelphia. That's not his real name and that's not her real hair color. Her soft middle is totally real. Liz graduated summa cum lazy with a degree in English literature, which means she knows how to write properly, but rarely does. She loves Harry Potter and Luna is her favorite. Find her on Twitter @sixyearitch. ... More

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18 comments

  1. Avatar of Grace Grace says:

    i so am not interested in having sex my spouse on the other hand, has not lost his drive

  2. I hope this doesn’t happen to me once the baby is born… =[

  3. Avatar of Staci Staci says:

    My son is 5 mths old and my bf and I have no sex life. I work from home so I’m home all day and I have a 6 year old with whom I always have to help with homework and give attention too. On top of working from home, kids, and domestic chores…I have no room or time for sex. My bf is extremely aggravating and always says I’m not fulfilling him sexually. He really doesn’t understand how it is to be a mom…there’s more to this as his time with the kids and home is like 5% and mine is like 95%, so at the end of the day…do you really think I want to put that in my mouth?! :/

  4. Avatar of bethany bethany says:

    This is our fourth child and our son just turned two weeks today. I was all about sex till I went into labor. Here we still have four weeks to go and I don’t think i can wait till tomorrow to get back into his pants! Im sorry for all you ladies out there who gave up on sex after baby, I feel lucky that I didn’t lose my drive!

  5. Avatar of mpv1026 mpv1026 says:

    We have been together for a little over 3 years now. This baby was my second. I also have an 11 year old.

  6. Avatar of LizHenry LizHenry says:

    Thank you for commenting, Jessica! I’ll do a follow up post with tips on how to re-kindle or kindle the spark. There seems to be a lot of interest for that, so I’ll work on it.

  7. I can relate. I feel this way. Although I can’t figure out if it’s the hormones or just my husband annoying me. lol

  8. Avatar of sbean1283 sbean1283 says:

    I’m the exact same way! Like the lady in the article, I act like I’m sleeping but sometimes that doesn’t even work! I just dread going to bed sometimes!

  9. ive been like this since ive been 2 mths pregnant. i STILL do NOT want to have sex. im like GET AWAY. lol

  10. Yeahh, im going thru this right now….. My daughter will be 9 mths on the 15th. I do not want to have sex AT ALL. Its like ahhhh no i dread it.

  11. Avatar of Theresa Theresa says:

    Thank goodness it’s only altered ours a little! It was close to nonexistent at first, of course, but now the only occassional excuse is that I’m tired. Our little guy is 9 months old and we can’t wait to try for another! It sure is fun when you just don’t care about how you look because you’re both so in love! :)

  12. Avatar of Imani Imani says:

    After I read this article, I searched my house for hidden cameras!! For me, this hit the nail on the head in ALL aspects! I didnt think my sex life would change either, and it didnt…. Not until child number four that is. Like some of the readers, my sex drive seemed to increase DURING pregnancy (well, during the first two) as well, but afterwards, it said goodbye!! And the funny thing is, after the first pregnancy, things were right on track like I had never had a baby…. But after having a kid a year four years straight, the urge to get down took longer and longer to reboot. Now, Im lucky if I can get my juices going twice a month!!

  13. Avatar of Amanda Amanda says:

    This article is opposite roles for my household. Seems like ever since we found out we were expecting last fall, my sex drive perked and his diminished! Of course there is another aspect to consider.. About a month after our news, my bf (age 36 @ time) had a heart attack and had to start a handful of meds, incl blood thinners. He says that contributes a lot to our bedroom issues. Although, he has now been off the blood thinners for at least a cpl months. Prior to pregnancy, our sex life was amazing, exciting and fun. I often wonder what in the world I can do to fix it!!!!!

  14. Avatar of Jessica Jessica says:

    The question is for you though, how many children do you have and how long have you been together? After the first child we felt the same way as you but two more children later and multiple years together, a lot of life happening will slow things down immensely. It’s beautiful that you and your significant other still have that special bond and I wish all the best for you in your relationship in the years to follow.

  15. Avatar of Jessica Jessica says:

    This article is so true right up until the end. What it doesn’t do is tell me how to improve this problem. My husband isn’t lacking in the sex department by any means. We still have sex like clock work, but I know he would be happier if he didn’t feel inadequate in the bedroom, so to speak. The lust and need to have an orgasim just isn’t there for me anymore since I’ve had children. Call me crazy, but I just don’t feel up to par in this general area of my relationship. It’s like my mind and my body won’t agree to meet on the same sexual level.

  16. Avatar of mpv1026 mpv1026 says:

    my sex life has been a million times better since I got pregnant and had my son. I love my husband and he is so sexy. We can’t get enough of eachother. Having our son has brought us even closer together and made us fall in love all over again. Yes, we have a lot going on during the day with house work, going to work and taking car of the baby, picking up the babysitter, ect. But we always find time for eachother at the end of the day after we put our son to bed. Some nights we just sit on the couch and watch our TV shows together and talk, but once we get to bed we cuddle and talk some more and have amazing sex. I feel bad for people who lose their sex drive after a baby, altho I do understand how and why it can happen. I just pray it never happens to us.

  17. i sure after the baby is here it would be difficult to have sex but it doesn’t matter to me since i’m single and the most important person in my life is my princess

  18. my mood about sex change ever since i got pregnant

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