10 Things Parents Wish Kids Knew Already
Thursday, September 13th, 2012
I have been a mom for going on 11 years.
I know, totally hard to believe because I look soooo young.
But, it’s true, and the oldest Dude will be celebrating his 11th year of life courtesy of his awesome mama this November.
I’ve learned a bunch about being a mom from him and his brothers, here are some things I wish they would learn already too.
10 Things Parents Wish Kids Knew
1. Whining generally has the opposite affect as intended. It seems that my kids like to whine to get me to do their bidding. Or possibly to gain some sympathy. But, what they need to realize is that
I will never go to the dark side their whining tends to produce the opposite effect of that which they desire. I seriously stop listening the moment their whiny voices appear and, the only thing that invokes sympathy around here is blood, and sometimes that doesn’t even work.
2. Silence is golden. Unless someone is asking you a direct question that requires your response, and then? It’s just weird. The Dudes seem to have perfected the art of producing a blank stare when someone is attempting to engage you in a conversation that requires your input. I’m pretty sure people think my kids are deaf (okay, one sorta is) or just not all that bright (they all are, I swear). Really, they are just really socially awkward, something they probably get from their
mom dad. Thankfully I know the ability to not creep people out can be learned over time.
3. Flushing is NOT optional. It is a requirement. Doesn’t matter if it’s a ONE or a TWO it needs to be completely disposed of shortly after it makes its appearance.
4. Wiping is NOT optional either. See above. And, don’t bother trying to deny, I’ve got proof! I wish I didn’t, believe me, I wish I didn’t, but I do.
5. Shouting is unnecessary. Myself and everyone else in the vicinity can hear, despite our best efforts not to.
6. I’m smarter than you are. Sure you’re probably faster, and before long we all know you’re gonna be bigger and stronger, but I am always gonna be smarter. I’m a girl, it’s a given.
7. I know when you’re faking. Faking sleep. Faking sick. And, most importantly, faking the truth.
8. I don’t care about at least 50% of the things you think I care about. Like, if your room is clean. Or, if you wear your flip flops to school when you have gym. Or, if you like to go commando on the days you have gymnastic practice. I make a big deal about that junk because I care about YOU. I care that you know about good hygiene. I care about you wearing safe footwear so you don’t break your face on the pavement. And, I care that you don’t flash your
junk man bits to a room full of tween girls while you jump on the trampoline.
9. I’m not made of money. And, even if I was, I wouldn’t buy you 50 packs of gum or a Big Gulp, or that whatever-majig you are asking for at the check out stand. I would build a big house, with a pool so I could wear my swimsuit in peace. And then I’d have a huge Mariah-Carey-style closet put in so I could play dress up all day while the nanny drove you to soccer practice and helped you with that bloody homework.
10. I freakin love you. Not like a little either. Like a whole, whole lot. Like more than your little brain can even begin to understand. And one day, I know that you will know it and thank me. I’ll be here when you’re ready.
What do you think?