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A Mother's Guilt
Author: Heather Slee
I'm a work-out-of-the-home (WOH) mother. And I feel guilty. Not all the time, but sometimes. Sometimes, a lot of the time. Many women feel the guilt and regret. In fact, it would probably be quite a task to find any mother - WOH or not - who never felt guilt at some point or another.
The problem is pressure - both externally and self-inflicted. There is pressure to stay home with your child or children. Then there are branches of guilt that come with that: nannies or no nannies, not contributing financially to the household, maintaining your identity and career, and more. Then there is pressure to work out of the home and the subsequent guilt that comes of that: not spending enough time with your children, using daycare or relatives as providers, missing out on things, not being able to keep up with housework, and many other nagging thoughts of guilt. You just can't win.
The solution is much easier said than done, but should be attempted nonetheless. You have to make the decisions that are right for you and for your family. You need to look at finances. Can one partner afford to stay at home? You need to look at your needs and your priorities. Is it important to you to model a WOH lifestyle to you children? You have to look at other options. Should you look at daycare or a nanny, or part-time childcare or relatives? There are many different aspects of this to discuss and analyze.
And you have to be okay with your decisions. Again - easier said than done. But you and your family will be happier when you accept what you've got, whether that's WOH, staying at home, or somewhere in between. Life is too short to constantly worry about whether or not you're perfect. Try to focus on what is good.
And don't let anyone else tell you what is right for you and your family. One of the mysteries of life is that mothers tend to judge other mothers, when they should be supporting each other. Some women (and men) are so desperate to believe they are making the right choice, that they harshly judge the actions of others if they choose differently. Just ignore the negative and know that you're doing what you feel is right.
As for feeling guilty and not being able to stop it all the time, here's a thought that makes me feel just a tad better. It's a quote from Lazurus Long: "Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy." In other words, if we actually gave our children perfect lives, how would they know how to cope with things or appreciate goodness? So when we screw up, we're actually doing them a favor!
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