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5 Tips for Blended Families
Author: Stef Daniel
Raising a blended family comes with its share of obstacles. In the United States, approximately one-third of all households are blended. With patience and a positive attitude, the blended family can be one filled with love, respect, and admiration.
It isn’t easy for the children when parents remarry. They are caught in the middle of a situation that can cause immediate feelings of frustration and discontent. At its root, every family has a different dynamic. The trick to making a blended family work is finding a new, combined dynamic that includes time spent together, discipline, and rules BOTH parties can live with.
Here are a few tips to make your blended family one of peace and harmony:
- Be patient! Just because the adults are in love, that doesn’t mean the children will immediately feel the same emotion. Many children, no matter their age, believe the universe revolves around them. If this sounds like your children, they will not be able to understand your choices. They can also feel jealous and insecure, especially at first, as they cannot predict how things will be. It won’t happen overnight, but getting to know one another and learning to live together, happily, takes plenty of trial and error. Try to maintain an adult, emotional mindset. Children can be hurtful toward a step-parent. Stay above comments like “You are not my mom/dad.” Avoid being emotionally manipulated. Remember, as an adult in a blended family, it is up to you to be mature.
- Make the children feel safe! Children want their opinions to count and want to feel stability. In blended families, children are often filled with uncertainty, mistrust, and fear. Reassure them often and don’t make many demanding changes at once.
- The children are not in a honeymoon period of love! Make sure they still have plenty of time to be seen and valued in their relationship with their parent. If the children feel pushed aside they will likely take it out on the step-parent, causing friction and chaos.
- Don’t force the children to respond too quickly. A child should not be forced to call a step-parent mom or dad, or connect with him/her. Allow the children to hug, share nicety, and build relationships in their own time.
- Set limits and boundaries. Things are new, uncertain, and emotionally taxing. This doesn’t mean the children should start calling the shots. Parents need to be clear of their expectations for behavior, discipline, and rules, applying them to all of the children to keep things in order. The children may not respect or appreciate a new authority in their life right away, but in time – with persistence and patience – they can learn to be respectful.
- Respect. Not only should it be given to parents, but it should be given to the children. Make sure each child is respected for who they are and what they feel!
- Never make children choose between, or talk badly about, their “real” mom or dad. It can be difficult to make a blended family work if the children feel they have to choose sides.
A blended family can be a wonderful thing. When successful, the children can be empowered to know and love people they may have never met. Keep in mind: In a blended family, surface issues may seem like one thing; however, they could likely be something else. Give it time, compassion, and consideration. You might find that your blended family is better than you could have ever imagined.
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